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Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do?
Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do? 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

I was anonymously asked a question by a brave sister on Tumblr about a matter that many in the Muslim community, young and old face. It includes matters that are often considered taboo, and aren’t addressed for that same reason, or because people are too shy to approach Muslim scholars and counselors about the matter. So, I felt it would be wise to share my response to the sister with all of you. Be sure to share this article with your friends and family, as it is something many may not admit to struggle with, but would eagerly read in hopes of finding at least the first step to overcoming their internal struggle.

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Wa alaikum assalaam sister,

The situation you’re in is definitely a difficult one, but it is also very common. I talk to individuals about things like this more often than most would be willing to accept. So, don’t feel like this is an impossible thing to work on. It’s human nature, and will take your dedication and hard work to move forward from it, insha Allah. Trust me, you can get through this and become the person you’re aspiring to be, be-idhnillah.

No matter what the thing we’re struggling with is, the first step is almost always to first work on increasing the faith-related matters in our lives. Here are a few things you can do to get started:

  • Salah: Work on increasing your Salah, praying on time, and focusing while in Salah.
  • Dua: Make more dua, sincere dua. Learn about the etiquette of dua, and focus on composing your dua correctly.
  • Company: Surround yourself with people who inspire you to increase your Imaan. That could include going to sister’s halaqas, spending more time at the masjid, etc. The Prophet (SAW) said that we are a reflection of the company we keep. Remember that when you feel uncomfortable or out of place in the company of people you don’t usually hang around.
  • Quran: Read the Quran more often, 10 verses at a time. Study those 10 verses, memorize them, understand them, apply them to your life, and then move to the next 10 verses.

Take these things on one at a time, and slowly move towards betterment. It’s better to take small steps forward and to keep moving, than to take leaps and bounds only to fall back three times as far as you leapt forward.

I’ll try to address the specific things you mentioned in your message, to the best of my abilities. When approaching

  • Music: This is something I struggled with a lot growing up, so I can understand how difficult it can be. Some believe that it’s not haram, others believe it is. I choose to play it safe, considering this is my Hereafter I’m putting on the line, and just avoid music. That said, it’s a process to overcome. To start, when you want to listen to music, begin with listening to Muslim HipHop and things like that. There are other genres, but yeah. Then, slowly move towards listening to nasheeds with music in the background. Then, slowly to nasheeds without music, and finally, towards listening to Quran and seminars. It will take time, and everyone has their own pace, but you’ll get there, insha Allah.
  • Not covering up: In our Deen, both men and women have been prescribed guidelines as to what is Islamically sound and what isn’t when it comes to the matters of maintaining our modesty and appearance. It’s not my place to speak on hijab, so I won’t. But, I can speak on the benefits that covering up have had on my life. There is something about covering up that results in a greater level of confidence, power, and conviction in all that I do. On top of this, I have this sense of privacy, because of which I find it difficult to feel any sense of comfort if something as small as a bit of my back showing when I go into sujood (prostration) during Salah. That has come through an appreciation and love for humility and modesty. I know those two words (humility and modesty) get thrown around alot, making them lose the weight they carry, but honestly, I believe that what differentiates many of us is how sincere we are in the genuine aspects of human nature that make us different from those who have forgotten those sincere aspects, regardless of who they are or what they stand for. Finally, we strive to live our lives in a way that is an emulation of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions (RA). Ask yourself what they would’ve done, and try to emulate that. Oh, and one more thing that always inspired me to cover up is that Musa (AS) had a physique and overall appearance that was amongst the best, but he would always remain covered out of shyness. A man like him, so strong, wise, and genuine in his leadership qualities, was shy. That shows me that shyness is a good quality to have, and one that I hope to possess myself, insha Allah.
  • Pornography: The world we live in today makes access to pornography as easy as, well, using google. That’s a scary thought, but it’s something that simply needs to be battled within our hearts and souls, through filling our time with other matters that are more beneficial to us. What I have recommended to others in the past (that has worked for them, alhamdulillah), is to avoid using computers for any more reason than is necessary for work or school. Turn your phone or tablets, or any of that stuff off once you come home from school/work. Head to bed early. Wake up early. Take up working out, martial arts classes, a women’s only gym class or sessions, etc. Start going to those halaqas at sister’s groups or at the masjid. Find a new hobby (one that doesn’t involve too much interaction with men). Set goals and work towards them every day, and track your progress. Buy/Make a calendar, and for every day you indulge in pornography or masturbate or anything like that, put a black or red mark on the calendar date you do any of those things on. Don’t put any other labels on it, to maintain your privacy. Just a simple calendar with marks on it. If anyone asks, say that you’re just working on a habit you’re trying to form (which is to live without pornography – but don’t tell them this detail). Try to reduce the markings as much as possible until you’re left with a clean calendar for at least 3 weeks straight (studies have shown that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). Only look at the calendar if you indulge, otherwise, leave it aside in a private place. This builds on “out of sight, out of mind”. Reminding yourself of it often will make it difficult to fully move forward. Take your time with this, don’t give up no matter how difficult it becomes, hold yourself accountable for your actions, but don’t let that depress you. Instead, let it motivate you to fight to remove this addiction from your heart and life.
  • Partying with boys: Alhamdulillah, this is one of those things that’s easier to work on. From my own experiences, I spent most of my life surrounded by women. Most of my relatives are women, and my home includes my dad and I along with my grandmother, mother, and three sisters. So, I found more comfort and belonging amongst women. That meant that growing up, a lot of my friends would be women, I would rarely interact with guys to the extent of having them be my close friends, etc. Then, as I began learning more about Islam, and began applying what I learned to my life, I reduced my interaction with women significantly, striving to maintain it within the bounds of the teachings of Islam, alhamdulillah. The reason I bring up my own story is because the advice I gave you about making the Deen a bigger part of your life through Salah, Dua, reading Quran, and surrounding yourself around fellow sisters that inspire you towards becoming a better Muslim, is a reflection of the same things I did to overcome this matter. It took it’s time, but alhamdulillah, it worked. Fill your time with other things that are beneficial for you in this life and the Next, limit your interaction with guys (that aren’t your mahram) to only what is necessary to conduct business (i.e. school projects, work, etc.), and whenever you’re invited or have the urge to go out and party, pray 2 rakah of voluntary salah, or make dua, and ask yourself, “Is this something Allah would be pleased with? If I die, would I be able to face Allah about this?” If you’re answer is yes, then move forward. If it isn’t, then leave the matter for the sake of Allah, and trust Him to reward you and to replace what you left with something that’s better for you in this life and the Next. We live in a time where peer pressure is immensely strong in matters like these, where people take the matter of interaction with opposite gender too lightly. It’s a matter that should be taken more seriously, and should be recognized as a source of temptation towards other things, like the things you mentioned you struggle with. Run everything you do through the filter of Islam, and if you find that there’s even the slightest doubt of what you’re considering to be something that Allah and His Messenger (SAW) would be pleased with, leave it. It’ll be hard at first, but it will pay off.

Everything I’ve mentioned in response to your question comes with the understanding that you will have to work hard to overcome these struggles, and that the journey will not be easy. But, as they say, “Nothing worth having comes easy,” you know that your reward in this life and the Next will be worth the efforts. I pray that Allah grants you ease and success as you take on this inner battle, and that He rewards you immensely throughout this life and the Hereafter, so that your Imaan and love for Allah will continue to increase exponentially throughout your life, insha Allah. Ameen. If you have any more questions, you’re more than welcome to email me to book an appointment to discuss things further, insha Allah, either over video counseling or chat counseling. My email address is mail@nadirkeval.com. Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

The Seed Of All Success
The Seed Of All Success 2560 1600 Nadir Keval

Find the right seed, take care of it, and you will see your dreams begin to blossom. – Nadir Keval

This mindset towards success is what helps me to continue moving forward in accomplishing my goals, despite the several setbacks that come my way. Throughout the years, I have tried time and time again to experiment and find the right seed in order to see results I sought, but it wasn’t until I recognized that seed to be faith that I actually saw and felt success.

Just as a seed sprouts the roots of a tree, which then grows to have its own branches, such does the impact of faith have on your life when you make it the seed of your success. Take into consideration the different aspects of your life, be it your career, your family, your health, your education, and any and everything else that makes you who you are. All of these components of your life can be connected directly to your faith, and if this is done, your intentions change, and thus, your focus becomes more clear and you are more determined to make your dreams a successful reality.

Let’s consider some of the different components of our lives:

  • Career – Build a career to fulfill your rights upon yourself by fulfilling your dreams and vision. Use it as a source through which you can provide for your family. To give yourself your rights and to provide for your family is an obligation upon almost every Muslim, and so, with this as your root purpose, you will gain reward in this life and the Next for all of the work and effort you put in towards your career.
  • Family – Taking care of your family, and building a safe haven of happiness and support is of immense importance if one wants to fulfill their obligation and responsibility towards their family, and if futures are hoped to be established successfully. This is a responsibility and obligation that Allah has placed upon all Muslims, and so, through giving our families their rights, we are able to gain Allah’s Support and Reward in this life and the Next.
  • Health – Our bodies are gifts from Allah, and just as we are responsible for providing ourselves with the mental and spiritual needs of life, we must also take care of ourselves with the right kinds and amounts of nourishment and fuel for our bodies, and with the right training and exercise to condition our bodies to be at the top of their potential. Take the responsibility of giving your body, mind, and spirit the rights it deserves and you will see that with this new mindset, you’ll be stronger, wiser, and more disciplined in the different experiences of life.
  • Education – We know that knowledge is power. But very few of us act on this, and aspire towards gaining this power that is so readily available to us, especially in the world we live in today. So, make a change and start acting on gaining an education, be it from getting a university or college degree, from reading books and self-teaching, through living life to the fullest and learning through experience and apprenticeship, or ideally, a combination of all three. Do this with the intention of fulfilling the command from Allah to gain knowledge, and through recognition of the fact that Islam is a religion for the people of understanding, as it is mentioned time and time again throughout the Quran. With this mindset, you will find joy and passion in seeking knowledge, and it will be a venue through which you will become more worldly and aware of how to face the daily challenges we all experience. And once again, you will gain the rewards of this life and the Hereafter through changing your intentions behind gaining an education and knowledge for the sake of Allah.

See how easy it is to look at it with faith as the seed of success? Though the examples I’ve mentioned above are reflective of the Islamic faith, it can be related to almost any faith. I chose to use Islam as an example because it is the faith I follow, and thus, the examples are relative to my own life. These examples act as the roots through which the tree of success is grown. Through that, you will find branches and flowers/fruits expand and become greater parts of what make you who you are. And just as God brings back to life the flowers and trees that die every year due to the harshness of the weather they experience, He brings back to life and rejuvenates the inspirations that sparked your aspirations in the first place. With God as the source of your seed’s nourishment and fuel, the possibilities of how successful you can be are endless.

Take a moment and reflect on the different components of your life that make it what it is. Look at what you work towards, what you aspire for, and what you stand for. Reshape your intentions in all aspects to reflect your faith, and watch how everything becomes more focused, clear, and “pure”. Live your life with your faith as the seed of every action, and experience rewards and success in this life and the Next. What more could we ask for, really? I pray that we all find that focus, clarity, and purity.

Be you. It’s really just that simple.
Be you. It’s really just that simple. 3072 2304 Nadir Keval

That which does not kill me can only make me stronger
(That’s for real)
and I don’t see why everybody feel as though
they gotta tell me how to live my life
(You know?)
Let me live baby, let me live.

– Tupac Shakur

Ask yourself the simple question: “Do I believe that what I’m doing is right and does it pass the tests of my beliefs and values?”

I’m not talking about ethical issues, because this isn’t an ethics class. I’m not gonna talk about things that should be obvious (and because they’re obvious, I don’t need to mention them). But I will speak about the things we face in life, the drama people cause, the struggles we face internally, and externally with others.

In life, you will find that there are going to be a lot of people ready to judge you, to spread negative things about you, and to try to ruin your image. Especially if you are in a more public eye. But, always ask yourself that above question, and believe in yourself.

I find that this is something that we all need to consider in every moment of our lives. Make these things your mindset, in order for you to succeed. I’m not saying this is a law of any sort, but in my opinion, staying true to yourself always keeps you grounded.

This concept and understanding is something relevant to many aspects of life:

Business

In business, you will without doubt, be faced with these sorts of issues, people giving you a variety of opinions on how you should do things, people trying to shut you down before you even get started, etc, etc. But, regardless of what happens, you need to do what you believe is right, what abides to your vision, and what makes you happy. Now, that doesn’t mean you should live life closed-minded. It means to be open to hearing other people’s thoughts when you need a second or third opinion, and to always remember that you should be the one with the final say in your decision. BUT, be careful as to who you ask. Keep a small group of people in your life as your go-to people, that you turn to when you’re unsure of something. For me, I have my two best friends (they know who they are 🙂 ), another friend who’s like a brother to me (he knows himself too haha) my parents and sisters, and well, that’s it. Of course, when I get married God-willing, I’d want to add my wife to that list. But, you get the point.

Also, another point that I would suggest is to not talk about your ideas, or your plans, until after you’re on your way to working on them. For example, if you’re going to start a business, don’t go telling everyone all the details of your idea. That’s how you get naysayers and idea-theives excited haha. Just do your thing, keep it to yourself, and then, when ready, launch your idea. 🙂

Friends

Often, for the sake of keeping someone around, or not losing a “friend”, we sacrifice what we believe in. We change ourselves, just to make sure that we don’t lose someone we think is important to us. But, a true friend – and I speak out of experience of going through many of the so-called “true” friends – is that person that stands by you, and gives you that unconditional love, regardless of what you do. He/She wouldn’t ask you to change. Wouldn’t make you feel bad about who you are. A friend tells you, “I will always be here, to help you through your life, and I’d expect the same from you.” When you think about it like that, you realize, you could filter out most of your friends, and find the few remaining ones that are worth your effort. And when a person makes that effort to be a good friend, let them. Friendship is not a right. It’s deserved. I think most things are, and friendship sure is one of those things.

Relationships

When it comes to relationships, the concept is similar to that of friends (mentioned above). A partner has to be your friend. Otherwise, it won’t work. At least not in my opinion. You have to be able to be best friends. This is that person that you’ll be sharing your most intimate moments with, the person who will make you whole.*

Friendship is the first step, and so, in the same way, the person your soul connects to in that way should be willing to embrace you as you are, no matter how you change. So, be you, work hard towards your visions and work hard towards your relationship. Yes, relationships are in need of compromises at times, but at no cost, in my opinion, should we change ourselves at the core-level.

* Sidenote: Yes, your partner, the person you end up with, should make you whole. But, if God-forbid, things don’t work out between you two, remember that there’s a reason for everything. Also, don’t become dependant on that person. Make them a choice, not the source of vulnerability.

Family

This is that group of people that will often drive you nuts with their input, or will confuse you with their opinions on how you should do things. But, in the end, remember that they are the same people who will stand by you regardless of what happens. (There are very rare situations where this isn’t the case, but trust me, chances are you’re not in one of those situations.) I have personally been through so many struggles in life, sometimes clashing with my family, but in the end, they were the ones that stood by me.

When I speak of family, I’m speaking of your direct family. Not necessarily your extended family. Your direct family knows you best, considering they have probably spent more time with you than other relatives.

When your family suggests things to you, or tells you their thoughts on something, it’s best to consider what they are saying, and then make your own decision. They are saying what they say often out of the goodness of their hearts. Even if you don’t like what they say, thank them for their opinion and then make your decision. Nothing in this world is worth breaking bonds with family, except your religious beliefs. Then to, don’t break the bonds completely, but continue being kind to them.

Personal Growth

This is a major struggle many of us face. As we grow, we develop not only physically, but mentally and soulfully as well. These latter developments are in fact the things that make us who we are. As we grow, we realize that certain things matter more to us than others, and so, we develop an affection towards those things. These things may be inclusive of spirituality, diet, morality, passions, and more. It is important that we take these aspects of our lives and allow them to grow naturally within ourselves. Time is something constant, and so, it is best for us to work with time as it comes. Rushing growth will only stunt it. Instead, take the changes your experiences, the growth you endure, and make the most of them. If you fall in the process of that growth, then so be it. Don’t concern yourself with the pain the fall caused you, because that pain will become your focus. Instead, concern yourself with how you can take that fall and learn from it: What lead to the fall, and how can I avoid that next time? How can I get up from this fall faster next time? etc.

Life will throw you difficulties. Don’t let those difficulties hit you. Instead, catch them and throw them back at life. 🙂

So, in the end…

It’s a simple matter of staying true to yourself. Ask yourself if what you do will result in something that will make you happy and will help you towards your ultimate goals. Ask yourself if who you are will compromised by taking that different step. Ask yourself if you are ready to take on that challenge and make those changes you need to make if necessary, in order for you to reach your goals.

Who you are will without doubt change during your lifetime, but let that change come naturally from within, not from your concerns for the judgments of other people.

The decision is only for God

[Quran, Chapter al-An’aam 6:57]

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