helping others

Do Unto Others…
Do Unto Others… 2000 1000 Nadir Keval

Most of us have heard it before, be it through our religious teachings or through every day interactions with others:

“Do unto others as you would want done unto you.”

At first glance, this seems like a great mindset, and definitely something to make a part of our lives. But, what often happens is that we forget to consider the other person carefully. It’s about more than just what they’re going through, but it’s also about the person’s character, likes, and dislikes. For example, I am a person who benefits more from “positive reinforcement”, while the person I may be trying to motivate or encourage could be more inclined towards “negative reinforcement”. If the person gets a grade of 97% on an exam, he may need to hear, “Great job, but where’s the other 3%??” while I am the type to need to hear, “Great job! 97% is an awesome grade!”

Sounds like a pretty similar approach, but the difference comes through understanding what works for the person you’re talking to. When we try to help others, it’s important that we take out the time to make sure we understand the person and their specific needs, not only in what needs to be said or done, but in how action is taken as well.

In most cases where this quote comes into play, it’s a quick back and forth with a person, and we jump to give advice instead of taking a moment to withhold our tongues and to think of what we’re saying and whom we’re saying it to. In times like those, it’s important to always keep in mind that we are all different and all have our own daily struggles, so we must always tread lightly. You never know what a person might be going through.

Every situation is different, but there are some basic steps to start with when trying to help someone out or when giving advice. Check out these steps and use them the next time you’re in a position to help and treat people well:

1. Build a comfort zone

When you know a person, it’s easier to build a comfort zone using your past experiences with them, your relationship overall, and what you know makes them happy. For example, I have a friend who loves anime, so when advising him, I would ask him about a show he may have mentioned in the past and spoken passionately about. After creating a comfort zone, take the next step.

2. Ask the right questions

Once the comfort zone is there, it’s time to ask questions that help slowly bring out the concerns the person is having. Start with open-ended questions, and then work your way to the details. You’ll see that if the person is willing or wanting to talk, the details will slowly work their way into the discussion.

3. Maintenance and Reminders

The key when talking to someone and advising them is to maintain the comfort zone by letting them complete all of their thoughts and say whatever is on their minds, without interruption. In addition to that, reminders of being there for them and caring about them helps in helping them feel that they aren’t alone in their struggle and that they can pull through.

Keep in mind that these are simply guidelines. Ultimately, each case is different, as I mentioned earlier, but it’s always really important to keep the other person’s personality and needs in mind when giving advice. In fact, it’s important to remember to remember those things when interacting with anyone for any reason. Speak to others with kindness, listen, be patient, and speak the truth with wisdom and sincerity.

To Be Happy
To Be Happy 4000 1160 Nadir Keval

I believe that when we are born, we are all blessed with a natural disposition towards the pursuit of happiness. It is only due to the environments we are raised in that we end up losing that desire for it. Sure, many of us spend a good portion of our lives striving towards having a stable and secure income, the perfect spouse, that ideal family, enjoyment of all types of foods, and a body that would make Greek mythology seem reflective of the average physique. Is all of that possible? Of course it is, but it takes immense amounts of hard work, ambition, self-esteem, patience, and faith – things very few of us are willing to apply to our lives.

What we acquire in life, and how successful we are is often judged based on our bank balances, the size of our houses, the brands of our clothes, and the price tag of our cars. Notice how it’s all related to money? We have become slaves to the things we have created – paper with ink on it, which we claim to be of value because of some sort of signature on it that makes it unique. Money is the largest and longest running ad campaign in human history. We have been convinced and conditioned to make something so worthless into something considered priceless at times. How’s that? Consider being in a situation where law requires you to pay for anything you eat, and that the clerk selling you food must take money from you in order to make the transaction and avoid penalties.  Add to this the fact that you have not eaten for days and have no money with which to purchase food. Other than doing something that could result in you being punished by law, in some cases, to the point of death, you really have no choice but to move forward without nourishment. That mere dollar or two would thus become priceless to you because it is a matter of life and death. This example may seem a little farfetched, but sadly, it’s a truth to thousands of people around the world who live in impoverished places and have nothing to eat or drink. (We must put forth our utmost effort to help those in need, be it as close as home or in places where their basic necessities have become luxuries. I have chosen not to speak further on the importance of helping others in this article, as it takes away from the core of what I am trying to get across. I will, however, speak on the topic in the near future, as it is something I am very passionate and concerned with.)

Yet, look at those people, and you will find that they live out their lives, though often shortened by their unfortunate conditions, with happiness, contentment, and a sincere sense of peace in their hearts. They no longer have attachments to material gains, but rather, attach themselves to faith, family, and hope. We, however, live privileged lives. While others around the world are in conditions where their bare necessities are turned to luxuries, we are living with major luxuries being considered necessities – “Oh, you can’t do much unless you have a cell phone,” “I’m not going to buy those shoes! I want those [insert major brand name here]!” “But what am I supposed to do all day if the TV is out??” We are spoiled. We are pathetic.

Take a look at your life, and ask yourself how much of your time you spend being active? Is your faith the core of your lifestyle? Do you eat to nourish yourself, or to deal with emotions or addictions? Why are you still at your current job? Are you pursuing a passion in at least one component of your life? Ultimately, are you happy? Questions like these are ones that we must ask ourselves often to keep ourselves in check.

For years, I worried about the intangible things, like wealth, careers, food, etc. When I changed my mindset towards focusing around my faith, I found peace. That doesn’t in any way suggest that I don’t have struggles or issues of my own to deal with on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean that I am perfect and completely practice what I’ve written about here, without flaws or errors. What it means is that I no longer felt an attachment to things that I knew would pass. It also means that I am more satisfied and content with my life, and am more open and flexible when it comes to change. I used to think that things had to be done a certain way, and that without pursuing things in that same path, I would be guaranteeing myself a sense of failure and loss. But now, I live with fluidity and flexibility, and am able to adjust to situations with much more ease. I have my affections and attachments, but if they are lost from my life, I no longer feel the need to mope around or be depressed about it, Alhamdulillah.

Life is filled with expectations and norms, but that does not necessarily mean that it’s what best for you. Hold your own goals, work hard, and commit to your dreams and ambitions, but practice fluidity and flexibility through attachment to faith in order to transition smoothly through the turbulence of life. Find a passion, and make an effort to pursue what makes you happiest. Forget the rules of anything but morality and faith, and focus on pursuing happiness as a child without fear and full of imagination. And always, ALWAYS remember to give back and help others, because that is the fastest route to happiness and gaining more true success.

Ramadan 2013 – Reflections and Changes
Ramadan 2013 – Reflections and Changes 1920 1047 Nadir Keval

Ramadan last year was…different. To be honest, I don’t think there’s any other way to describe it. There was so much going on in my life, and it was all stuff that was overwhelming, stressful, and confusing. Looking back, it wasn’t a time of much clarity for me. I went through a dark time, and was quite unhappy, making it very difficult for me to focus on my faith. Through the help and support of friends, I was able to push myself towards moving forward from the things that ailed me, and found myself in a new place, where I recognized that I had the ability to achieve anything. It was as though life had thrown me to the wind, and instead of being blown away, I was left standing while the wind cleansed my life of the clutter and negativity. Alhamdulillah.

Throughout this last year, I have grown greatly, Alhamdulillah. I have been able to refine the things that I was always so passionate about, and through this process, I have found a new level of peace and clarity within my personal faith. I knew that there was a need for me to grow closer to God, and so I began working on my relationship with Him. It was difficult, and it made what would usually be considered easy and simple become overwhelmingly difficult.

Without going into details of my personal sins, I will share some of the points I grew to recognize as being the key aspects of what helped me find peace and happiness:

  • Be optimistic: It’s so easy to be pessimistic about things, and to expect the worst. It’s so easy to think that everything is just not going to work out, and expect people to always be out to get you, or to make it seem like there’s no point in trying harder to become better. What’s difficult is to be at peace with life, no matter what comes your way. That comes through being optimistic and recognizing that everything that happens in life is part of His Plan. Sure, it’s more difficult, but once you learn to trust Allah, this becomes the secret ingredient to happiness in life. I’ll be writing a separate article about this topic later this week, so be sure to stay tuned for that!
  • Seek progression, not perfection: Many of us get down on ourselves when we find that we’re struggling with living up to the expectations of trying to be perfect in what we do. Well, at least, that’s something I went through. Upon realizing that I shouldn’t worry about the results, and instead should just focus on trying to be the best I could be as possible, life became much more peaceful.
  • Understand that you’re human: We all make mistakes, and beating ourselves up about it won’t do us any good. Instead, recognize that you’re human and part of being human is going through ups and downs in almost every aspect of life. What matters is the next thing in this list…
  • Never give up: Life is a series of tests and struggles, in which we focus on trying to accomplish goals in order to survive and thrive. The problem with this can sometimes be that things don’t always go our way. When this happens, it’s of utmost importance that we refuse to give up and continuously strive towards accomplishing our goals. Roll with the punches, and make the most of what life brings your way, but be patient and relentless in making your dreams a reality.

This Ramadan, let’s take in all we can from the lessons we learned over the past year, set some new goals, and try to make some changes. As a method of following through with this initiative, I’m challenging all of you to do things this Ramadan that are your own personal ways of making a change, be it through praying more, reading Quran more often, going out and volunteering somewhere, helping someone, giving Da’wah, etc. During the month, take pictures, record videos, write blog posts, etc. and hashtag them with #nkmakeachange. Let’s inspire each other to build on helping people as much as we can, and share our experiences. Make the most of this Ramadan, insha Allah! I pray that Allah helps and guides all of us towards making positive changes during this month, and that He gives us the strength, discipline, passion, and commitment to carry on with our changes after Ramadan as well. Ameen!

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