relationships

Poem: Reflective Growth
Poem: Reflective Growth 2560 1600 Nadir Keval

I learned very recently of a truth.
that one cannot expect another
to repeat what those of the past would do.
Not in that it is an impossibility,
but that every person should be given the opportunity,
to rise above the rest,
and show their worth
by opening their heart
and cleansing it of dirt.

My life has thrown me obstacles,
one after the other,
but God has blessed me
with the strength and courage
to jump hurdles
once thought to be indestructible.

Ah, how blessed I am,
to have been given the friendship
of the Most High.
He protects me from evil,
and sometimes let’s me indulge,
so that I may be grateful,
and at other times may be left in a state of epiphany.

I have learned to take a moment,
before every day,
before every breath,
to ask your heart who I am
and why I’m driven to be me,
and then go out there,
live out my life to the fullest,
while letting some into my heart,
and letting others live their own destiny.

Copyright © Nadir Keval

Question: What if I’ve already committed adultery? Do I have a chance at making things right?
Question: What if I’ve already committed adultery? Do I have a chance at making things right? 2000 1125 Nadir Keval

My last article, “Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam” got A LOT of readers and feedback, Alhamdulillah. Opened my eyes to how many people really struggle with the issue. One particular question I received stood out to me most, inclining me towards sharing it with all of you.

The Question:

okay, about that marital affair thingy, what if someone has done something that according to your post is wrong and that someone wants to make things right? is there any chance they can do things right? if they are still in that relationship and they regret doing what they did?

The Response:

Assalaamu alaikum,

Often, we find ourselves feeling as though we are unable to turn back, or have no chance at repentance, but the truth of the matter is, repentance is always an option. As Allah says in the Quran:

“And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity (i.e. commit Shirk) or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated – Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” – (25:68-70)

Notice that in this verse alone, you see that Allah promises His Forgiveness and Mercy for those who do three things:

  1. Repent: to repent is to not only seek forgiveness, but to make a sincere effort to not repeat the action that inclined you to repent
  2. Believe: it is one thing to claim that we are strong in faith, and it’s another to apply all that we know and to make it a part of what makes us who we are – ensure that worship and obedience of Allah is the core of your existence, and that every aspect of your life including your career, your relationships (with family, a potential spouse, friends, etc.), your health, etc. are all tailored around your faith.
  3. Do righteous work: taking steps towards making an effort to do righteous work through following the examples and guidelines in the Quran and Sunnah – doing righteous work is a way of showing Allah that you want to get closer to Him, want to increase your good deeds to outweigh sin, and that you want to make a change in your lifestyle

I am not a sheikh or scholar, and this explanation is not one of Tafseer that I have studied. It is rather, my understanding on the topic based on what I have learned of Islam over years of attending Halaqas, discussing the topic with scholars and students of Islam, and counseling.

What I would suggest to you is to do what I mentioned above, based on the verses. If you and the person with whom you committed zina are interested in pursuing marriage, cleanse the situation by keeping your distance from each other, meeting only in the presence of a mahram, and take steps towards marriage in a way that is in accordance to the Quran and Sunnah. If this is something that the other person is not pleased with, remember that there is no value in the obedience of the creation if it leads to the disobedience of the Creator. Also, this will bring clarity to you as to how good this person would be for you in the case of marriage. Remember, marriage in Islam plays many roles, one of which is to be a source of inspiration and support as the couple works towards righteousness and ultimately, a place in Jannah.

I hope this answers your question. If you’d like to follow up, you’re more than welcome to email me at mail@nadirkeval.com and we can set up an appointment to discuss things more. I look forward to hearing from you, insha Allah. Take care of yourself.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Poem: Poetry I Cannot Write
Poem: Poetry I Cannot Write 1024 768 Nadir Keval

She is the poetry I cannot write.
My pencil refuses to touch the paper.
My thoughts begin to wander in fear,
That I may think too deeply,
And become engulfed in her.

She is the poetry I cannot write.
Her description is too sweet for my lips to hold.
She is, without doubt, the perfect imperfection.
As she is designed in ways that can only make her as unique as she.

She is the poetry I cannot write.
I lower my head out of respect,
As I am still not worthy to lay eyes on her.
Till then, I will prepare to be ready, and God will help me.

She is the poetry I cannot write.
I try my best, but my imagination can only do so much.
And now, I sit in patience,
until the day comes that I am inspired.

Copyright © Nadir Keval

Relationships: What If?
Relationships: What If? 1280 800 Nadir Keval

So, I was sifting through YouTube when I fell upon this video. I’d say it’s pretty well done, considering I would say that many of us have experienced something similar to this in our lives. At first, I thought, wow, what a great depiction of relationships. Then, I realized that there is much more we could do to approach relationships in a more mature, responsible and stress-free way.

See, Islam’s way to approach a relationship is different, but unfortunately, today, people feel that this is a better approach. It’s a touching story, but in truth, Allah knows what is best, and His advice through the Quran and through the teachings of the Prophet (pbuh) is ultimately still more beneficial. If we all learned to just trust in Allah more, we’d find love much easier to find. Allah knows best, and it’s important we remember that we just need to bring our hearts closer to Him, and He will bring us the love we deserve, Insha Allah 🙂

We worry so often about what will happen if we get married to someone that’s not right for us. But, I guarantee that if we do things as Muslims, in the way that Islam has taught us to do things, we won’t lose. I know, I know, the divorce rate amongst Muslims is drastically increasing, but at the same time, have we ever considered that the reason is because we go about getting married in ways that displease Allah? He is the One that can either bless or curse our marriages, so why do we not focus on ensuring that we live out our lives, have our weddings, and build our marriages in ways that He has described as being the righteous and most beneficial way? How many times has Allah promised us that He will protect us if we solely rely on Him? That promise is stronger than any promise a person can give you. So, trust it!

What is there to fear? One of two things will happen if you consider someone: Allah will bring you closer to that person and make marriage come easy, or He will remove that person from your heart and replace them with someone that’s better for you. Either way, it’s a win-win Insha Allah. Focus on building yourself, and if someone is suggested to you, or you’re interested in someone, pray Isthikhaarah and make dua. Then, if you feel inclined towards that person, talk to them bluntly about things. Relationships in Islam are clear-cut. Either you’re into the person or you’re not. It doesn’t take months or years to know if a person is good for you to consider for marriage or not. It takes a moment to say, this person is someone I could consider, or that this person isn’t. Your Isthikhaarah will take effect insha Allah, and things will become clear to you. Do things with Allah in mind, and move forward from there.

Muslims aren’t wusses because we know that we have nothing to worry about except for seeking Allah’s pleasure. We know that Allah has our backs, so we’re supposed to be stress-free. Ever thought that if that’s how we Muslims should be, then all these doubts and concerns that enter our minds when we fear approaching marriage even when we find someone we think would be great for us, might just be the whispers of Shaitaan? Makes ya think, doesn’t it?

Regardless, be straightforward, tell a person how you feel, ask Allah to guide you, and then take steps forward. If the person’s right for you, Allah will make it clear to you if you are reliant on Him. If the person isn’t good for you, He will make it clear to you to steer clear of that person, once again IF you are reliant on Him.

Don’t spend too much time just hanging around. You’re just asking for fitna (temptation/tribulation). The Prophet (pbuh) even said that, “The best thing for two people who love one another is marriage.” (that was me paraphrasing, by the way) Now, I’m not saying that you’ll fall in love right away. Every relationship has its own time for that if it’s meant to be. What I AM saying though, is that if you think someone is good for you, and you’ve done your Isthikhaarah, take steps forward towards making it happen.

Sure, you may be engaged (in the halal way, of course!) for a while, so that you can prep yourself financially or so you can finish school, etc. but at least you will have protected yourself from the ridiculous amount of fitna there is in the world, you will have a confidant and someone you can rely on to be there for you Insha Allah. You will feel more secure too.

Either way, this is just me ranting now, but I truly believe that we should all be more active in approaching marriage in a more Islamically sound manner. Sure, times have changed and society approaches things differently now, but correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Allah say that He has perfected this religion for all of mankind (ie. the people at the time of the Prophet (pbuh), people now, and all those to come in the future until the Day of Judgment)? So, then, who are we to say that we know better than Allah? Right?

This is all just my thoughts. I’d love to hear what you think. And, I pray that Allah gives us all the strength, courage, patience, guidance, and all else we need in order for us to find ease in every step of marriage, and that you all are blessed with the best of spouses. Ameen.

Be you. It’s really just that simple.
Be you. It’s really just that simple. 3072 2304 Nadir Keval

That which does not kill me can only make me stronger
(That’s for real)
and I don’t see why everybody feel as though
they gotta tell me how to live my life
(You know?)
Let me live baby, let me live.

– Tupac Shakur

Ask yourself the simple question: “Do I believe that what I’m doing is right and does it pass the tests of my beliefs and values?”

I’m not talking about ethical issues, because this isn’t an ethics class. I’m not gonna talk about things that should be obvious (and because they’re obvious, I don’t need to mention them). But I will speak about the things we face in life, the drama people cause, the struggles we face internally, and externally with others.

In life, you will find that there are going to be a lot of people ready to judge you, to spread negative things about you, and to try to ruin your image. Especially if you are in a more public eye. But, always ask yourself that above question, and believe in yourself.

I find that this is something that we all need to consider in every moment of our lives. Make these things your mindset, in order for you to succeed. I’m not saying this is a law of any sort, but in my opinion, staying true to yourself always keeps you grounded.

This concept and understanding is something relevant to many aspects of life:

Business

In business, you will without doubt, be faced with these sorts of issues, people giving you a variety of opinions on how you should do things, people trying to shut you down before you even get started, etc, etc. But, regardless of what happens, you need to do what you believe is right, what abides to your vision, and what makes you happy. Now, that doesn’t mean you should live life closed-minded. It means to be open to hearing other people’s thoughts when you need a second or third opinion, and to always remember that you should be the one with the final say in your decision. BUT, be careful as to who you ask. Keep a small group of people in your life as your go-to people, that you turn to when you’re unsure of something. For me, I have my two best friends (they know who they are 🙂 ), another friend who’s like a brother to me (he knows himself too haha) my parents and sisters, and well, that’s it. Of course, when I get married God-willing, I’d want to add my wife to that list. But, you get the point.

Also, another point that I would suggest is to not talk about your ideas, or your plans, until after you’re on your way to working on them. For example, if you’re going to start a business, don’t go telling everyone all the details of your idea. That’s how you get naysayers and idea-theives excited haha. Just do your thing, keep it to yourself, and then, when ready, launch your idea. 🙂

Friends

Often, for the sake of keeping someone around, or not losing a “friend”, we sacrifice what we believe in. We change ourselves, just to make sure that we don’t lose someone we think is important to us. But, a true friend – and I speak out of experience of going through many of the so-called “true” friends – is that person that stands by you, and gives you that unconditional love, regardless of what you do. He/She wouldn’t ask you to change. Wouldn’t make you feel bad about who you are. A friend tells you, “I will always be here, to help you through your life, and I’d expect the same from you.” When you think about it like that, you realize, you could filter out most of your friends, and find the few remaining ones that are worth your effort. And when a person makes that effort to be a good friend, let them. Friendship is not a right. It’s deserved. I think most things are, and friendship sure is one of those things.

Relationships

When it comes to relationships, the concept is similar to that of friends (mentioned above). A partner has to be your friend. Otherwise, it won’t work. At least not in my opinion. You have to be able to be best friends. This is that person that you’ll be sharing your most intimate moments with, the person who will make you whole.*

Friendship is the first step, and so, in the same way, the person your soul connects to in that way should be willing to embrace you as you are, no matter how you change. So, be you, work hard towards your visions and work hard towards your relationship. Yes, relationships are in need of compromises at times, but at no cost, in my opinion, should we change ourselves at the core-level.

* Sidenote: Yes, your partner, the person you end up with, should make you whole. But, if God-forbid, things don’t work out between you two, remember that there’s a reason for everything. Also, don’t become dependant on that person. Make them a choice, not the source of vulnerability.

Family

This is that group of people that will often drive you nuts with their input, or will confuse you with their opinions on how you should do things. But, in the end, remember that they are the same people who will stand by you regardless of what happens. (There are very rare situations where this isn’t the case, but trust me, chances are you’re not in one of those situations.) I have personally been through so many struggles in life, sometimes clashing with my family, but in the end, they were the ones that stood by me.

When I speak of family, I’m speaking of your direct family. Not necessarily your extended family. Your direct family knows you best, considering they have probably spent more time with you than other relatives.

When your family suggests things to you, or tells you their thoughts on something, it’s best to consider what they are saying, and then make your own decision. They are saying what they say often out of the goodness of their hearts. Even if you don’t like what they say, thank them for their opinion and then make your decision. Nothing in this world is worth breaking bonds with family, except your religious beliefs. Then to, don’t break the bonds completely, but continue being kind to them.

Personal Growth

This is a major struggle many of us face. As we grow, we develop not only physically, but mentally and soulfully as well. These latter developments are in fact the things that make us who we are. As we grow, we realize that certain things matter more to us than others, and so, we develop an affection towards those things. These things may be inclusive of spirituality, diet, morality, passions, and more. It is important that we take these aspects of our lives and allow them to grow naturally within ourselves. Time is something constant, and so, it is best for us to work with time as it comes. Rushing growth will only stunt it. Instead, take the changes your experiences, the growth you endure, and make the most of them. If you fall in the process of that growth, then so be it. Don’t concern yourself with the pain the fall caused you, because that pain will become your focus. Instead, concern yourself with how you can take that fall and learn from it: What lead to the fall, and how can I avoid that next time? How can I get up from this fall faster next time? etc.

Life will throw you difficulties. Don’t let those difficulties hit you. Instead, catch them and throw them back at life. 🙂

So, in the end…

It’s a simple matter of staying true to yourself. Ask yourself if what you do will result in something that will make you happy and will help you towards your ultimate goals. Ask yourself if who you are will compromised by taking that different step. Ask yourself if you are ready to take on that challenge and make those changes you need to make if necessary, in order for you to reach your goals.

Who you are will without doubt change during your lifetime, but let that change come naturally from within, not from your concerns for the judgments of other people.

The decision is only for God

[Quran, Chapter al-An’aam 6:57]

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