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Nadir Keval

Poem: Unmet Dream
Poem: Unmet Dream 1600 1145 Nadir Keval

I miss her
I don’t know why.
I don’t know how.
I just miss her.

I’ve dreamt of our wedding day.
I’ve had nightmares that she was taken from me.
I’ve imagined taking her out,
romancing her,
loving her,
watching her smile.
I’ve imagined us having disagreements,
and trying to find a solution,
only to find that the only way that made sense,
was living and loving,
to make each other happy.

I’ve spent my entire life preparing to be hers.
I’ve felt the serenity of wrapping my arms around her.
One hand between her shoulders,
holding her close to me,
One hand on the small of her back,
reminding her that I will always support her.

I’ve lived a life fulfilling my dreams,
but she is one dream I need
to step out of my thoughts,
and become my reality.
I do miss her, this is true,
but the bittersweet truth is,
I still have yet to meet her.

Copyright © Nadir Keval

Do Unto Others…
Do Unto Others… 2000 1000 Nadir Keval

Most of us have heard it before, be it through our religious teachings or through every day interactions with others:

“Do unto others as you would want done unto you.”

At first glance, this seems like a great mindset, and definitely something to make a part of our lives. But, what often happens is that we forget to consider the other person carefully. It’s about more than just what they’re going through, but it’s also about the person’s character, likes, and dislikes. For example, I am a person who benefits more from “positive reinforcement”, while the person I may be trying to motivate or encourage could be more inclined towards “negative reinforcement”. If the person gets a grade of 97% on an exam, he may need to hear, “Great job, but where’s the other 3%??” while I am the type to need to hear, “Great job! 97% is an awesome grade!”

Sounds like a pretty similar approach, but the difference comes through understanding what works for the person you’re talking to. When we try to help others, it’s important that we take out the time to make sure we understand the person and their specific needs, not only in what needs to be said or done, but in how action is taken as well.

In most cases where this quote comes into play, it’s a quick back and forth with a person, and we jump to give advice instead of taking a moment to withhold our tongues and to think of what we’re saying and whom we’re saying it to. In times like those, it’s important to always keep in mind that we are all different and all have our own daily struggles, so we must always tread lightly. You never know what a person might be going through.

Every situation is different, but there are some basic steps to start with when trying to help someone out or when giving advice. Check out these steps and use them the next time you’re in a position to help and treat people well:

1. Build a comfort zone

When you know a person, it’s easier to build a comfort zone using your past experiences with them, your relationship overall, and what you know makes them happy. For example, I have a friend who loves anime, so when advising him, I would ask him about a show he may have mentioned in the past and spoken passionately about. After creating a comfort zone, take the next step.

2. Ask the right questions

Once the comfort zone is there, it’s time to ask questions that help slowly bring out the concerns the person is having. Start with open-ended questions, and then work your way to the details. You’ll see that if the person is willing or wanting to talk, the details will slowly work their way into the discussion.

3. Maintenance and Reminders

The key when talking to someone and advising them is to maintain the comfort zone by letting them complete all of their thoughts and say whatever is on their minds, without interruption. In addition to that, reminders of being there for them and caring about them helps in helping them feel that they aren’t alone in their struggle and that they can pull through.

Keep in mind that these are simply guidelines. Ultimately, each case is different, as I mentioned earlier, but it’s always really important to keep the other person’s personality and needs in mind when giving advice. In fact, it’s important to remember to remember those things when interacting with anyone for any reason. Speak to others with kindness, listen, be patient, and speak the truth with wisdom and sincerity.

Religion, Society, and Parents – Why so many rules?
Religion, Society, and Parents – Why so many rules? 4235 2817 Nadir Keval

I was asked a question today, and I felt it to be a great topic to share with all of you. Be sure to leave your comments below, and if you know anyone else you think may benefit from this, please share it with them and your friends on places like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and any other social media network you may be on. Thank you and jazakallahu khairun.

Question:

Salam Nadir, how are you? I’m sorry I ask soo many questions but this has been bugging me. In Islam, we constantly are told what not to do. And of course it’ll make us look into it and makes us want to do it. What are we allowed to do? Its a super silly question but being a teenage girl, I feel as though I don’t have much choice. Then culture comes in and even going out for a walk seems like a complete sin (to my parents at least). What do you think I could do?? Jzk 🙂

Answer:

Wa alaikum assalaam 🙂

I’m doing well, alhamdulillah. Insha Allah, things are going well on your end, as well. Let me start by saying that there is never a reason to apologize for asking me questions. I’m here to help the best I can, insha Allah, and I will always try my best to do so.

Islam doesn’t necessarily constantly tell us what not to do. It instead tells us the virtues of doing certain things and the consequences of doing other things. Islam has been prescribed to us as a way of life, and its guidelines have been laid out through the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). That is an understandable and highly beneficial gift, considering most live their lives trying to figure out their path in life, while we as Muslims have been blessed with a clear and detailed life manual.

When it comes to what we are and aren’t allowed to do, my way of understanding it is using this:

“When it comes to matters of our Deen and its practice, everything is haram except for what the Prophet (SAW) and his companions did and taught us based on the Quran and Sunnah. When it comes to matters of our duniya and our interaction with it, everything is halal except for what has been forbidden to us in the Quran and Sunnah.”

Your question of, “What are we allowed to do?” is one that comes with a very lengthy and tedious response if not put into context. So, the first thing to figure out is what you’re asking specifically…meaning, what are we allowed to do concerning what exactly? This isn’t a super silly question; it’s not even a silly question. It’s simply a question, and a valid one at that. Islam being a religion of justice, on the condition that you practice it to the best of your abilities, will never place you in a position of feeling unjustly treated. The reason I included the condition of practicing it to the best of your abilities is because if taken out of context, or if not looked at with a sincere desire to please Allah, to gain His Mercy, and to reserve a place in Jannah, we can easily misconstrue the Quranic verses and the Prophetic traditions (of the Hadith) into something that could cause us far more harm than benefit.

Taking out the time and effort to better understand why you are facing these struggles that have been placed in front of you in the falsely claimed name of Islam is a reflection of your desire to seek out the truth, and that is an admirable trait in anyone, especially one in this day and age. Depending on where you live, there are definitely some places of the world where certain rules are placed on individuals or groups in the name of religion, when in fact they hold no place in religious fact, but instead are based on cultural and societal norms. Sometimes, it may not be the places we live, but rather, those who are in our lives that compel us to stick to certain rules that hold no place in religion. That said, depending on who those people are, we should be wise in how we approach them in regards to these matters. When it comes to most people in society, unless you are risking your own safety, don’t bother with the opinions of others. Focus instead on developing your own identity, while being conscious of the judgment of Allah, following the example of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions, and being kind to and obeying your parents.

In the case of parents, let’s be honest, there are hardly any people in the world that haven’t had some disagreements with their parents. In fact, because every parent was once a child, your parents too probably had some disagreements or conflicts with their own parents. Your parents probably went through similar things as you are now, and so they’re trying to protect you from making the same mistakes. It’s the circle of life, and though they may know that you have to go through your own struggles to become the best version of yourself, it’s part of how Allah has created them, for them to care immensely for you. This isn’t always the case, as some parents just don’t care about their children, so if your parents are pestering you about something, be grateful that they’re there with you, and recognize that their pestering is a reflection of their love. That said, it’s important that we remember the verses of the Quran:

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. – Quran (31:14-15)

Notice how Allah tells us to be kind and obedient towards our parents, but reminds us that our return is to Him? Always be good to and patient with your parents, because the reward for it is limitless in the Hereafter, and because we cannot repay how much our mothers alone went through to give birth to us. A companion came to the Prophet (SAW) once and asked him, “Oh Prophet of Allah, I have just finished performing the pilgrimage while carrying my mother on my shoulders. Have I repaid my debt to her?” The Prophet (SAW) replied, “You have not even repaid her for one labor pain.” Subhanallah!

Try to do the most you can of what you aspire towards, but if your parents ask you not to for the sake of their concern for your safety, or for any other valid reason (as long as they’re not holding you back from fulfilling a command of Allah like praying your salah, wearing hijab, or things like that), listen to them. Allah will reward you for it, insha Allah, and who knows, it may be that Allah is protecting you from something harmful through having them hold you back from doing something. Like it says in the Quran:

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. – Quran (2:216)

Talk to your parents, ask them why they would advise you stay away from what they’re prohibiting, but ask with wisdom. Ask kindly, and explain that you’d like to know so you can understand and grow from the matter. If that doesn’t work out well, then say Alhamdulillah, accept what they’ve asked of you, and go on with your day. Make dua asking Allah for guidance, and talk to Him. He is our greatest counselor, and the greatest weapon of a believer is dua.

I hope this answers your question, insha Allah. If you’d like to discuss this further, or have any more questions, you can email me at mail@nadirkeval.com, and we can set up an appointment to talk, insha Allah. Take care.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do?
Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do? 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

I was anonymously asked a question by a brave sister on Tumblr about a matter that many in the Muslim community, young and old face. It includes matters that are often considered taboo, and aren’t addressed for that same reason, or because people are too shy to approach Muslim scholars and counselors about the matter. So, I felt it would be wise to share my response to the sister with all of you. Be sure to share this article with your friends and family, as it is something many may not admit to struggle with, but would eagerly read in hopes of finding at least the first step to overcoming their internal struggle.

Screen Shot 2014-01-15 at 10.20.57 PM

Wa alaikum assalaam sister,

The situation you’re in is definitely a difficult one, but it is also very common. I talk to individuals about things like this more often than most would be willing to accept. So, don’t feel like this is an impossible thing to work on. It’s human nature, and will take your dedication and hard work to move forward from it, insha Allah. Trust me, you can get through this and become the person you’re aspiring to be, be-idhnillah.

No matter what the thing we’re struggling with is, the first step is almost always to first work on increasing the faith-related matters in our lives. Here are a few things you can do to get started:

  • Salah: Work on increasing your Salah, praying on time, and focusing while in Salah.
  • Dua: Make more dua, sincere dua. Learn about the etiquette of dua, and focus on composing your dua correctly.
  • Company: Surround yourself with people who inspire you to increase your Imaan. That could include going to sister’s halaqas, spending more time at the masjid, etc. The Prophet (SAW) said that we are a reflection of the company we keep. Remember that when you feel uncomfortable or out of place in the company of people you don’t usually hang around.
  • Quran: Read the Quran more often, 10 verses at a time. Study those 10 verses, memorize them, understand them, apply them to your life, and then move to the next 10 verses.

Take these things on one at a time, and slowly move towards betterment. It’s better to take small steps forward and to keep moving, than to take leaps and bounds only to fall back three times as far as you leapt forward.

I’ll try to address the specific things you mentioned in your message, to the best of my abilities. When approaching

  • Music: This is something I struggled with a lot growing up, so I can understand how difficult it can be. Some believe that it’s not haram, others believe it is. I choose to play it safe, considering this is my Hereafter I’m putting on the line, and just avoid music. That said, it’s a process to overcome. To start, when you want to listen to music, begin with listening to Muslim HipHop and things like that. There are other genres, but yeah. Then, slowly move towards listening to nasheeds with music in the background. Then, slowly to nasheeds without music, and finally, towards listening to Quran and seminars. It will take time, and everyone has their own pace, but you’ll get there, insha Allah.
  • Not covering up: In our Deen, both men and women have been prescribed guidelines as to what is Islamically sound and what isn’t when it comes to the matters of maintaining our modesty and appearance. It’s not my place to speak on hijab, so I won’t. But, I can speak on the benefits that covering up have had on my life. There is something about covering up that results in a greater level of confidence, power, and conviction in all that I do. On top of this, I have this sense of privacy, because of which I find it difficult to feel any sense of comfort if something as small as a bit of my back showing when I go into sujood (prostration) during Salah. That has come through an appreciation and love for humility and modesty. I know those two words (humility and modesty) get thrown around alot, making them lose the weight they carry, but honestly, I believe that what differentiates many of us is how sincere we are in the genuine aspects of human nature that make us different from those who have forgotten those sincere aspects, regardless of who they are or what they stand for. Finally, we strive to live our lives in a way that is an emulation of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions (RA). Ask yourself what they would’ve done, and try to emulate that. Oh, and one more thing that always inspired me to cover up is that Musa (AS) had a physique and overall appearance that was amongst the best, but he would always remain covered out of shyness. A man like him, so strong, wise, and genuine in his leadership qualities, was shy. That shows me that shyness is a good quality to have, and one that I hope to possess myself, insha Allah.
  • Pornography: The world we live in today makes access to pornography as easy as, well, using google. That’s a scary thought, but it’s something that simply needs to be battled within our hearts and souls, through filling our time with other matters that are more beneficial to us. What I have recommended to others in the past (that has worked for them, alhamdulillah), is to avoid using computers for any more reason than is necessary for work or school. Turn your phone or tablets, or any of that stuff off once you come home from school/work. Head to bed early. Wake up early. Take up working out, martial arts classes, a women’s only gym class or sessions, etc. Start going to those halaqas at sister’s groups or at the masjid. Find a new hobby (one that doesn’t involve too much interaction with men). Set goals and work towards them every day, and track your progress. Buy/Make a calendar, and for every day you indulge in pornography or masturbate or anything like that, put a black or red mark on the calendar date you do any of those things on. Don’t put any other labels on it, to maintain your privacy. Just a simple calendar with marks on it. If anyone asks, say that you’re just working on a habit you’re trying to form (which is to live without pornography – but don’t tell them this detail). Try to reduce the markings as much as possible until you’re left with a clean calendar for at least 3 weeks straight (studies have shown that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). Only look at the calendar if you indulge, otherwise, leave it aside in a private place. This builds on “out of sight, out of mind”. Reminding yourself of it often will make it difficult to fully move forward. Take your time with this, don’t give up no matter how difficult it becomes, hold yourself accountable for your actions, but don’t let that depress you. Instead, let it motivate you to fight to remove this addiction from your heart and life.
  • Partying with boys: Alhamdulillah, this is one of those things that’s easier to work on. From my own experiences, I spent most of my life surrounded by women. Most of my relatives are women, and my home includes my dad and I along with my grandmother, mother, and three sisters. So, I found more comfort and belonging amongst women. That meant that growing up, a lot of my friends would be women, I would rarely interact with guys to the extent of having them be my close friends, etc. Then, as I began learning more about Islam, and began applying what I learned to my life, I reduced my interaction with women significantly, striving to maintain it within the bounds of the teachings of Islam, alhamdulillah. The reason I bring up my own story is because the advice I gave you about making the Deen a bigger part of your life through Salah, Dua, reading Quran, and surrounding yourself around fellow sisters that inspire you towards becoming a better Muslim, is a reflection of the same things I did to overcome this matter. It took it’s time, but alhamdulillah, it worked. Fill your time with other things that are beneficial for you in this life and the Next, limit your interaction with guys (that aren’t your mahram) to only what is necessary to conduct business (i.e. school projects, work, etc.), and whenever you’re invited or have the urge to go out and party, pray 2 rakah of voluntary salah, or make dua, and ask yourself, “Is this something Allah would be pleased with? If I die, would I be able to face Allah about this?” If you’re answer is yes, then move forward. If it isn’t, then leave the matter for the sake of Allah, and trust Him to reward you and to replace what you left with something that’s better for you in this life and the Next. We live in a time where peer pressure is immensely strong in matters like these, where people take the matter of interaction with opposite gender too lightly. It’s a matter that should be taken more seriously, and should be recognized as a source of temptation towards other things, like the things you mentioned you struggle with. Run everything you do through the filter of Islam, and if you find that there’s even the slightest doubt of what you’re considering to be something that Allah and His Messenger (SAW) would be pleased with, leave it. It’ll be hard at first, but it will pay off.

Everything I’ve mentioned in response to your question comes with the understanding that you will have to work hard to overcome these struggles, and that the journey will not be easy. But, as they say, “Nothing worth having comes easy,” you know that your reward in this life and the Next will be worth the efforts. I pray that Allah grants you ease and success as you take on this inner battle, and that He rewards you immensely throughout this life and the Hereafter, so that your Imaan and love for Allah will continue to increase exponentially throughout your life, insha Allah. Ameen. If you have any more questions, you’re more than welcome to email me to book an appointment to discuss things further, insha Allah, either over video counseling or chat counseling. My email address is mail@nadirkeval.com. Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Freedom from Within
Freedom from Within 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

What does it mean to be free? We all have our own definition, based on the conditions our lives are in. For some, it’s being able to sit in your home without the fear of having a military attack destroy your home, for some it’s a battle in your mind, and for others, it’s being able to have a say in your own life’s decisions and path. These matters enslave some of us without us even realizing it. If or when it’s realized, minds go into a state of panic, causing a frantic effort to break free. Every struggle of freedom holds at its core the same goal: to have one’s right to make personal decision made available.

The right to have the final say in everything that you do and pursue in your life is something that is unfortunately a rare thing to see in most parts of the world. How many of us have to tail or our lives and the pursuit of our goals, all to accommodate the people in our lives and their dreams? How many of us pursue the same path drafted out by society for practically everyone of going to school, having a gender-specified hobbies and interests, getting a degree/diploma, working a 9-5 job most likely not in your field of study just to pay off the tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, get married while in severe debt, buy a home on mortgage (increasing your debt), have children (a blessing, but tougher when in debt), grow old hating your job (unless you’re one of the lucky ones), and one day look back and wonder how life passed by so quickly without you even getting the chance to pursue your goals, passions, or challenges? So…that was a dark picture. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I just described most of our lives, and sadly left many of us depressed. If I did, I apologize. The reason I did that is because unless we hate hell and everything that leads to it, we won’t know how badly we want heaven. Obviously, I’m speaking metaphorically, but you get what I mean.

It’s important for us to find and form our own identities by taking risks and challenging ourselves outside of our comfort zones. It’s far too easy to fall into the norms and patterns created by society. We must ask ourselves what we want out of life, what we hope to accomplish, and then work towards those things. The path that fits you best might even end up being similar to the norm, but what’s important is that you choose and pursue that path out of your own will and desire, and not out of conformity to any expectations.

There are some people in the world whose freedom isn’t an option for them. Even if they work their hardest, put in all the effort they possibly can, they just can’t seem to acquire their freedom. But, for most of us, freedom is possible. It’s about overcoming our personal barriers, created by our minds to hold us back from doing anything unsafe. That, however, isn’t what’s best for our growth, and instead, prevents us from being the best we can be. Recognize how blessed we are to have the ability to embrace our freedom. It will take hard work and fighting our inner souls at times, but it’s a dream many don’t have the opportunity to fulfill.

Evaluate your life and ask yourself what it is you want to accomplish, and what it is that’s holding you back from getting what you want. If you are unhappy, figure out what the cause is and keep your distance from that, or fix the situation to turn it into a source of happiness. I assure you it will be difficult. I assure you it will be painful. I assure you it will have you questioning yourself and your motives time and time again. But if you push through it all, I assure you that it’ll be completely worth it.

The Importance Of Taking Breaks
The Importance Of Taking Breaks 2290 1526 Nadir Keval

Over the last little while, some of you may have noticed that I stopped writing articles, poetry, and quotes, to the extent that I even placed a hold on my site. The reason for this was because I was in a place in my life where I needed to take some time out to myself and really reflect on my personal goals. It was a difficult decision to make, but I felt it was a necessary step in order for me to be the best I could be for myself as a human being on his own personal journey, and as a friend, mentor, or brother to those of you out there that I strive to inspire and motivate in every way I possibly can. I have to say, there are no words to express my gratitude for all of you, your patience, and your appreciation of my efforts.

I know that during this hiatus, I’ve lost some readers and followers here and there, but it was something I believed I needed to. I do hope that those readers and followers return after seeing that I’ve re-launched my blog, but if they choose not to, I wish them all the best.

This break was an experience that truly took me to the next step of understanding myself, and I felt it would be something to share with all of you, so that perhaps, if any of you go through something similar, you would be able to think, “If a guy as crazy as Nadir could get through this, I can too!” See, I was at a point in my life where I felt overwhelmed by all of the things I had going on. It’s true that those things are there because I put them there, and that I often speak about how I pride myself in being involved in many things, while still maintaining sanity and efficiency. What I realized however, is that in choosing this kind of lifestyle, I would have to take a break every once in a while, because if I didn’t, I would burn out. Unfortunately, the way I learned that was by getting so close to burning out that I was left with a few scars. Fortunately though, scars are great reminders.

What held me back from taking a break all these years was that I feared losing my connection to all of you, or that I would lose whatever it was that fueled my ability to write. In a similar manner, I feared that taking a break from my companies and projects would make me lose the connection and attachment I have towards my passions and ambitions. Still, it came to a point that my body and mind began to weaken in their abilities to inspire me and help me keep going. It was definitely time for a break.

Short breaks

In the process of learning about the importance of taking breaks, I realized that it was about more than just taking long vacations or breaks every few months. As necessary as breaks like those may be, I found that what maintained my every day sanity was the small breaks I would take every day. What that meant was that I would put aside some time every day towards a personal goal, or towards simply resting and doing nothing. My attachment to ambition and drive made that difficult at first, but I forced myself beyond my comfort zone because I knew it was a necessity in order for me to see any chances at growth. Here are some tips, based on what I’ve learned:

  • Do something for yourself every day that’s unrelated to anything you do, or any specific deadline – even if it’s just for 15-30 minutes of your day
  • Try something new once a week, to challenge yourself and to keep your mind and body guessing
  • Interact and socialize with people at least once every 1-2 weeks, solely for the sake of socializing – personally, I meet up with a few friends for coffee every two weeks, and we talk about life and ideas, without much reference back to our work or school lives

Long breaks

There are the obvious kinds of long breaks, like a week long vacation to a new place or a place you find comfort, but there are times when that can become a bit hurtful to our wallets. During times like those, put away all of your work stuff, school stuff, or anything related to your everyday routine, and just wake up every morning with something new scheduled in. For example, if you live in a place known for its tourism, spend a week living like a tourist, checking out the attractions, gardens, trails, events, etc., and come home every night to cook yourself a meal (and I mean, really experiment with new recipes and cuisines) or go out for dinner to a place you never thought you’d try. That’s what I’ve got planned for my next vacation, and I have to admit, I’m excited!

Long breaks seem like a big risk, especially if you have a lot of things on your plate. As an entrepreneur, it took a lot to make me realize that it was important for me to step away from it all for a short while, but after recognized the importance of it, I took the leap. Looking back, I don’t regret a minute of my break, and yearn for the opportunity to enjoy it again in the future, God-willing!

Earning your break

One other thing I’d like to talk about is the importance of recognizing the value of yourself and the value of a break. For the longest time, my businesses weren’t bringing in much income, and I was really struggling financially. I had to work harder than I ever had in my life, while making much less than I ever had. Still, I stuck to it, but eventually, I was drained. I needed a break, but I felt like I hadn’t earned it yet because I wasn’t making the amount of money I wanted to. Sure, things were looking up, and the finances were building, but they were nowhere near enough for me to go off on an expensive vacation or anything like that without taking a major financial hit. Every day started to become a chore, and I was starting to hate my career, not because of what I did for a living, but because I didn’t have the energy anymore. I learned, after speaking to a few close friends, that I actually had earned my break because of the hard work and effort I had put in every day to get to where I am. I was reminded that success isn’t about how much you make, but it’s about how much you value your efforts at the end of every day. If you’re happy with yourself and your effort, then take a break. If not, and you still feel the need for a break, then make a plan for doing better, then take a break, but get cracking on implementing that plan as soon as you’re break is over.

Look at it this way: when working out, you take breaks between each set, be it 30 seconds or a minute or two. Then, you take a break of at least 24 hours between working each muscle group, in order to give that specific muscle group enough time to recover. The truth is, rest and recovery is just as important to growth and development as hard work and ambition is. It’s all about balance and moderation. Work hard, push beyond your comfort zone, and take care of yourself through rest and recovery, because it’s with these three ingredients, along with faith and reliance on God, that we’re able to see results and success. Like they say, every once in a while, you have to stop and smell the roses. If you don’t, you’ll go on through an entire lifetime without having ever really lived.

Universal Laws of Seeking Marriage
Universal Laws of Seeking Marriage 2652 1674 Nadir Keval

In my journey towards settling down and finding someone crazy enough to marry me, I’ve learned a lesson or two. I’m not married yet, so Lord knows if they’re all right, but so far, I feel they’re pretty universal.

First, work on getting your relationship with Allah on point first, before you try to establish or strengthen any relationship with a significant other. If you can’t show the Creator loyalty and respect, how can you expect yourself to do so for the creation? Be willing to be honest with yourself and hold yourself responsible for what you need to work on. Then, work on those things.

Second, know who you are and what you believe in, and recognize what is most important to you. Too many people today jump into marriage or the pursuit of marriage for the wrong reasons. Their priorities are physical release, escape from their current condition, or desperation and loneliness. Be patient. Understand yourself, so you can better navigate through life when your identity is questioned…which is something that happens more often than we care to admit.

Third, learn to differentiate between the deal makers/breakers and the things that are merely preferences and not requirements. After knowing yourself, know what is immensely important to you. For example, I strive to live a healthy and active lifestyle, and want to grow in that aspect of my life. Personally, I want to marry someone who has a similar lifestyle. Sounds minor, but laziness is contagious and it’s a deal breaker for me.

Fourth, never settle. That should be enough to make my point, but I’ll put it this way: you are a person of value and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you’ll realize that finding someone that appreciates your value is worth the wait.

Fifth, look for someone better than you in one way or another so you are always aspiring towards betterment. This will keep you humbled and will keep you motivated. Be the best you can be, and you will also inspire your significant other to be their best as well. This will benefit you as individuals and as a couple.

Sixth, don’t judge. Easier said than done, I know, and of course to some degree, you will be judging a person when you consider them for marriage. Still, there is a difference between evaluating a person’s compatibility with your preferences, and holding negative ideas about a person because they may not measure up to your “checklist”. Just as you’ve recognized that you have worth and are valuable in your many unique ways, you’ve probably also seen your flaws. You wouldn’t want someone judging you for your flaws, so be smart, and don’t judge others for theirs.

Seventh, understand that perfection doesn’t exist. Unless you are in fact perfect (and no, you’re not, because if you think you are, you a hold a degree of arrogance, thus making you human and flawed), you would be purely idiotic and ignorant to expect perfection in whomever you meet. Get that fantasy girl/guy out of your head and live in the real world, because that “perfect” person you’re dreaming up is one of the few dreams I will tell you isn’t going to come true. Find perfection in your own imperfections and after that, you will be able to more easily be able to see the beauty in the imperfections of others.

Eighth, do it right by Allah or don’t do it at all. The former fills your life with blessings and the latter, more often than not, leads to a bumpy road and a more solidified uncertainty in your Hereafter. I chose to leave this at the end of the article to remind us that at the end of the day, it’s ALWAYS Allah first. His Approval is our greatest priority, and this is a fact that should never be forgotten, but often is.

I’m not a scholar, sheikh, maulana, imam, or anything like that. There are simply my own personal laws to abide by as I search for a woman to spend the rest of this life and the Hereafter with. Take what I’ve written here with a pound of salt, and then some. I’d love some feedback from fellow single people that are searching for that special someone, or from married couples that could shed some insight based on their own experiences. Leave a comment in the section below to share your thoughts.

Has Allah Forgotten Me?
Has Allah Forgotten Me? 1366 768 Nadir Keval

Question:

Assalamu alaikum, brother, I wanted to thank you because some of your posts have helped me with life. But I wanted to ask you about some things, kindly link me tosome materials regarding hope and trust in Allah and how I can cope with depression and anxiety please? We’re going through an armada of health, financial, and psychological problems and I can’t stand seeing my mother cry. I am an ‘alright’ following Muslim but I feel that Allah has forgotten me.

Response:

Wa alaikum assalaam,

Insha Allah, this reaches you in the best state of health and Imaan. I’m glad to hear that my work has been beneficial to you and has helped you, Alhamdulillah.

First off, I would like to remind you that often, we feel that Allah has forgotten us, but the truth is usually that we aren’t doing our part to get closer to Him. Look at it this way, if you met someone that you wanted to have in your life because you believed they would be able to help change your life for the better, how hard would you work to try to get and maintain that person’s attention? You would probably also put a lot of effort into gaining that person’s approval and satisfaction. See, the thing is, we put forth so much effort towards those who are simply people and have no real control over our life’s condition without the help and provision of Allah, but we hardly put any effort towards gaining that relationship with Allah, who is the One that has control over our affairs and can help us through anything.

There are a few articles that I’ve written on my blog that relate to what you’re going through. I will list them below. I would, however, also like to share some advice with you as a person who has also gone through similar struggles time and time again in his life. Honestly, the greatest key towards betterment and solutions to our life problems is building on our relationship with Allah. What I would suggest to you is to start increasing your Ibadah, Dua, and Dhikr. Start working on perfecting your Salah, wake up for Tahajjud and make dua for what you’re wanting, and try to constantly keep your mouth moving with Dhikr like saying, “Astaghfirullah,” or “Alhamdulillah,” or “Subhanallah,” etc. That is the same advice my sheikh and friend gave me, and honestly, it helped me remain calm through all my struggles, helped me see light in the darkest corners of my life, and simply made me happier. Try working on this yourself first, and after a week or so of consistent practice, ask your mother to join you, motivating, helping, and supporting her in doing it with you. This will build a sense of unified peace between you (and others in you home if you have them join you as well), and will give you all a sense of peace amongst what appears to be the chaos of your life’s condition right now.

Remember, it’s all about your perception of things. Often, we think our condition is horrible, but that’s only because we are so focused in on what we’re going through that we forget to look at all that’s happening around us, and when that happens, whether we know it or not, a small part of us becomes ungrateful for all that we’ve been blessed with. The struggles and challenges we face in our lives are opportunities Allah is giving us to grow closer to Him and to grow stronger as individuals. Remember, Allah says that He never burdens a soul beyond what it can bear (Quran 2:286), and the Prophet (SAW) said that there is no calamity that strikes a believer, even if it is as small as the prick of a thorn, except that it expiates/removes the sins of that believer.

Allah is giving you an opportunity. Take it. Become better Muslims than you already are, grow closer to Him, and remember to look at those around you or around the world who are struggling far more than you (there’s always SOMEONE that’s struggling more than we are), and be thankful for what you have.

Those are my suggestions for your first steps, and if you’d like to discuss things further or in more detail, you are more than welcome to email me at mail@nadirkeval.com. Everything we discuss will remain confidential, insha Allah.

I hope this was of some help. Below are the articles from my blog that I feel may relate to your situation. Take care.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

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Question: Why Are Some People Tested More Than Others? – Nadir Keval

To Be Happy – Nadir Keval

The Seed Of All Success – Nadir Keval

Creating Crutches – Nadir Keval

These are just some of the articles on my blog that relate to your situation. To be honest, what you’re going through is very common (which is a good thing, because it shows you that you’re not alone and that since others have been able to overcome it, so can you, alhamdulillah!), so I’ve written quite a few articles pertaining to situations and conditions similar to yours. You can find them in the mentoring archive on my blog.

Quit Quitting
Quit Quitting 4288 2848 Nadir Keval

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life quitting – afraid of what others may say if I failed or if I made a mistake, if I didn’t do things the same way others would, or sometimes, if I made others look bad by doing something better than they did. I figured, why bother with taking all those risks? If I just make up some excuse, I’ll be alright and won’t be the laughing stock or the enemy of those around me. It just seemed safer that way. Little did I know that after spending years with that state of mind, I would be left feeling so unaccomplished and unsatisfied with myself that I would almost give up on living life itself, and would simply accept an existence for the sake of existing.

Perhaps it’s human nature, or something instilled in me specifically that needed to be excavated after years of living under a thick layer of guilt for the sake of others, but eventually I had had enough. It wasn’t until I started to feel sorry for myself that I realized that I was accepting a pathetic approach to life, and that I needed to change. I had two choices: give up completely or break through my comfort zone and get the happiness I know I deserved. To be honest, this is something I have to remind myself of every once in a while, even now, because it had become so natural to me to evade challenges and risk. Funny to hear that coming from an entrepreneur and artist, but I guess that deep down, I chose these career and life paths because they were the ones that compelled me to break through my shell and find my true strengths and life-purpose.

It’s funny, because at times, I would see these pictures of people lifting weights and working out, talking about how they were once living unhealthy and unhappy lives, and that one day they just decided that enough was enough, leading to them making these remarkable changes you would think were meant to be part of those fake before and after pictures you see on infomercials. I would look at these people, read their profiles online, watch their interviews and whatnot, and would be left feeling inspired to make a change in my own life. Then, just as quickly, I would realize that I had no idea how to actually make that change. The same applied towards those entrepreneurs you hear or read about, that became successful after working hard at their crafts and becoming the successes they aspired to become. I looked at all of these people around me that were getting things done while I sat here feeling sorry for myself that I was “trying” but wasn’t getting anywhere.

That’s when I realized two things:

  1. Everyone has his or her own time. Sure, some people may find something you struggle with to come easy, but you may find something they struggle with to come easy. So, instead of worrying about others and why things are working out for them instead of you, stop your complaining, embrace and enjoy what you have and where you are in life, and move forward. Do your part to acquire what you’re aspiring towards (with wisdom), and then put it aside in your mind and focus on the other things you can influence. When the time’s right for you, what’s meant for you will fall into place.
  2. You cannot just look at the end result of someone’s journey. To truly appreciate and learn from someone’s journey, and to be not only inspired but also motivated to do something with what you’ve learned through their success, you must take their entire journey into account. Many of us see the flowery and beautiful end results, and they shine so bright that we become blinded to the true and grimy struggle they had to go through to get to where they are. Be willing to rough it through the struggles of success, and recognize that hard work is a simple understatement to describe what it really takes to achieve your dreams. If you’re not willing to work THAT hard for it, you don’t want it bad enough, so first, make yourself want it more, then work your butt off to make it happen.

These thoughts and experiences helped me come to terms with my own self and my own journey. I realized that instead of quitting for the sake of others, or worrying about whether I’ll fail or succeed, I just needed to do my best in my own way to get what I want. I want to get into better shape, so instead of feeling sorry for myself for not enjoying or tolerating the same workouts my friends did to get in shape, I’m going to find my own path towards achieving my ideal. In this case, for example, I love to cook (if you’ve seen any of my Instagram pics, you’d know how much I love to adventure into the world of culinary arts), and so I use that strength and asset towards helping me get into shape. I also love martial arts and more hands-on activities like hiking, biking, fishing, and building things, and so I use those as my ways to stay active. Those are my starting challenge points, and when I’m ready, I’ll challenge myself to take it a step further and do more, insha Allah (God-willing). My point is, we all have things we enjoy, and there is no universal way to get everything done. Pave your own path and don’t stop till you get to your destination. Then, set a new goal and keeping paving. You don’t always have to know where every step you take towards that path will land. God will reveal those things to you as they come – you just have to be open to accepting the good from them and putting aside the negative thoughts from the whispers of Shaitaan (Satan) or those of the people around you. Your family and friends may mean well, but if their approach doesn’t work for you, it’s okay to steer clear – you don’t have time, and they probably don’t have interest in changing their entire selves just to accommodate your needs. Success and happiness are subjective, so why look to others to validate those things? Only you and God know what’s in your heart and what truly makes you happy, so keep that conversation between the two of you.

Photo credit: iyuphoto via Flickr
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