Q&A

Question: Help! I’m obsessed with someone and it hurts!
Question: Help! I’m obsessed with someone and it hurts! 1920 1271 Nadir Keval

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Assalaamu alaikum,

Insha Allah, you’re doing well and are in a strong state of health and Imaan. I can understand how tough a situation like the one you’re in can be. When I was in a similar situation, my salvation and sense of personal value and growth came from read more

Question: Is it haram to read horoscopes for the personality descriptions?
Question: Is it haram to read horoscopes for the personality descriptions? 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

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Wa alaikum assalaam 🙂

That’s an interesting question, and I know it’s one that many nowadays may come across in their daily lives. To be honest, when it comes to matters like these, where something has some components to it which are outright haram, I try my best to stick to a personal rule of just leaving the matter completely, so as to not make myself vulnerable to the whispers of Shaitaan any more than life already entails. When it came to this topic specifically, I did some research, and came upon a hadith that states, “Whoever learns anything of astrology has learned a branch of witchcraft (al-sihr)…” (Abu Dawood). This ties in with what I said about leaving something that has some degree of haram in it. Sihr, or witchcraft/black magic is haram in itself, and a means to greater misguidance. Many of the Ulamah states that Astrology is in fact a form of Shirk, as well.

So, overall, my recommendation would be to keep your distance from things like this, because sometimes we let small things slide, even with good or harmless intentions, but it is through those things that Shaitaan gets to us. If I were you, I wouldn’t let the personality traits and characteristics described in horoscopes play any role in helping me understand people, because every individual is unique. The best way to get to know a person is usually to just say hello and have a conversation, in my opinion.

Remember, I’m not a scholar or a Sheikh, or anything like that. I’m simply here as a person answering a question asked, to the best of my abilities. I would recommend speaking to a scholar in your local area for more information and clarification on the topic. I pray that Allah forgives and guides me for anything I have said here that may be wrong or misguided, and that He help you and I, as well as anyone else who reads this post, find the correct and best answer to this question so that we may be amongst the righteous. Ameen. Jazakallahu khair for your question! I hope it helped 🙂 Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval

For more information and details, check out: Rulings on Horoscopes

Question: How do I cope with heartache?
Question: How do I cope with heartache? 1536 1024 Nadir Keval

Question:

How do I cope with heartache?

Answer:

Assalaamu alaikum,

Insha Allah, this reaches you in the best state of health and Imaan.

Heartbreak and heartache are some of the toughest things to face in life, but it’s also important for us to go through these things in order to grow and become better versions of ourselves for us and for those who are in our lives or will enter our lives in the future.

When it comes to heartache, I’ve personally found that it’s all about setting your mindset a certain way, giving things time, and most importantly, faith. The first step is to accept that it’s best for you to move on, and to have conviction in the fact that if someone is meant for you, that person will be in your life regardless of what happens. That may require you two to go through periods of separation, difficulty, struggle, etc. but if this person is who Allah has meant for you, nothing will be able stop you two from coming together.

“No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee.” – Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him)

With that said, it’s also important to remember that we plan and Allah plans, and He is the best of planners (Quran 8:30). Meaning, there are things we may see as being best for us, or someone we may consider the pinnacle of perfection, but if things don’t work out with that person, it means that Allah has someone even better out there for us. It’s always a win-win situation when you maintain this mindset because either Allah will give you the person you want now because they’re truly the perfect fit for you, OR He will replace that person with someone who’s even better than who you thought was the pinnacle of perfection! Allahu Akbar! How merciful and generous and wise Allah is! 😀

The other aspect of this is time. We’ve all heard the say that time heals all things, and for the most part it’s true. In this situation, there are phases that you’re going to go through as you work towards growing past this part of your life: letting go of the person, healing from the pain the experience of being with and ending a relationship caused, and finally, rebuilding your self into a much stronger and wiser person. These phases will take time, so you must be patient and positive, because at the end of the day, Allah had that person in your life for the time he was there, but now, perhaps him being in your life any longer would have hurt you and your future.

This brings me to my last point: having faith. We have to accept that who and what comes and goes in our lives is all for our benefit. Sometimes, we have to be broken slightly in order to grow. Sometimes, we have to broken greatly in order to grow. Sometimes, we are simply given what we need to grow. Life will always have its ups and downs, and when it comes to heartbreak and heartache, all related to love, one of the most desired and pursued component of our lives, it will take a great deal of effort and discipline to get there.

My remedy for growing past heartache and heartbreak has always been to turn to Allah. To build on my relationship with Him, considering He is the Facilitator of our affairs, and it is with Him that our hearts and lives lie. He is our Master and the One who loves us more than anyone else possibly could, so it is only wise to work on pleasing Him and building our relationship with Him in order to find ease in finding love and happiness in this life and the Next.

I hope this answered your question, insha Allah. If you’d like to discuss your specific experience or situation more in an one-on-one session, you’re more than welcome to email me at mail@nadirkeval.com, and we’ll set something up, insha Allah. Till then, take care! 😀

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Religion, Society, and Parents – Why so many rules?
Religion, Society, and Parents – Why so many rules? 4235 2817 Nadir Keval

I was asked a question today, and I felt it to be a great topic to share with all of you. Be sure to leave your comments below, and if you know anyone else you think may benefit from this, please share it with them and your friends on places like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and any other social media network you may be on. Thank you and jazakallahu khairun.

Question:

Salam Nadir, how are you? I’m sorry I ask soo many questions but this has been bugging me. In Islam, we constantly are told what not to do. And of course it’ll make us look into it and makes us want to do it. What are we allowed to do? Its a super silly question but being a teenage girl, I feel as though I don’t have much choice. Then culture comes in and even going out for a walk seems like a complete sin (to my parents at least). What do you think I could do?? Jzk 🙂

Answer:

Wa alaikum assalaam 🙂

I’m doing well, alhamdulillah. Insha Allah, things are going well on your end, as well. Let me start by saying that there is never a reason to apologize for asking me questions. I’m here to help the best I can, insha Allah, and I will always try my best to do so.

Islam doesn’t necessarily constantly tell us what not to do. It instead tells us the virtues of doing certain things and the consequences of doing other things. Islam has been prescribed to us as a way of life, and its guidelines have been laid out through the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). That is an understandable and highly beneficial gift, considering most live their lives trying to figure out their path in life, while we as Muslims have been blessed with a clear and detailed life manual.

When it comes to what we are and aren’t allowed to do, my way of understanding it is using this:

“When it comes to matters of our Deen and its practice, everything is haram except for what the Prophet (SAW) and his companions did and taught us based on the Quran and Sunnah. When it comes to matters of our duniya and our interaction with it, everything is halal except for what has been forbidden to us in the Quran and Sunnah.”

Your question of, “What are we allowed to do?” is one that comes with a very lengthy and tedious response if not put into context. So, the first thing to figure out is what you’re asking specifically…meaning, what are we allowed to do concerning what exactly? This isn’t a super silly question; it’s not even a silly question. It’s simply a question, and a valid one at that. Islam being a religion of justice, on the condition that you practice it to the best of your abilities, will never place you in a position of feeling unjustly treated. The reason I included the condition of practicing it to the best of your abilities is because if taken out of context, or if not looked at with a sincere desire to please Allah, to gain His Mercy, and to reserve a place in Jannah, we can easily misconstrue the Quranic verses and the Prophetic traditions (of the Hadith) into something that could cause us far more harm than benefit.

Taking out the time and effort to better understand why you are facing these struggles that have been placed in front of you in the falsely claimed name of Islam is a reflection of your desire to seek out the truth, and that is an admirable trait in anyone, especially one in this day and age. Depending on where you live, there are definitely some places of the world where certain rules are placed on individuals or groups in the name of religion, when in fact they hold no place in religious fact, but instead are based on cultural and societal norms. Sometimes, it may not be the places we live, but rather, those who are in our lives that compel us to stick to certain rules that hold no place in religion. That said, depending on who those people are, we should be wise in how we approach them in regards to these matters. When it comes to most people in society, unless you are risking your own safety, don’t bother with the opinions of others. Focus instead on developing your own identity, while being conscious of the judgment of Allah, following the example of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions, and being kind to and obeying your parents.

In the case of parents, let’s be honest, there are hardly any people in the world that haven’t had some disagreements with their parents. In fact, because every parent was once a child, your parents too probably had some disagreements or conflicts with their own parents. Your parents probably went through similar things as you are now, and so they’re trying to protect you from making the same mistakes. It’s the circle of life, and though they may know that you have to go through your own struggles to become the best version of yourself, it’s part of how Allah has created them, for them to care immensely for you. This isn’t always the case, as some parents just don’t care about their children, so if your parents are pestering you about something, be grateful that they’re there with you, and recognize that their pestering is a reflection of their love. That said, it’s important that we remember the verses of the Quran:

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. – Quran (31:14-15)

Notice how Allah tells us to be kind and obedient towards our parents, but reminds us that our return is to Him? Always be good to and patient with your parents, because the reward for it is limitless in the Hereafter, and because we cannot repay how much our mothers alone went through to give birth to us. A companion came to the Prophet (SAW) once and asked him, “Oh Prophet of Allah, I have just finished performing the pilgrimage while carrying my mother on my shoulders. Have I repaid my debt to her?” The Prophet (SAW) replied, “You have not even repaid her for one labor pain.” Subhanallah!

Try to do the most you can of what you aspire towards, but if your parents ask you not to for the sake of their concern for your safety, or for any other valid reason (as long as they’re not holding you back from fulfilling a command of Allah like praying your salah, wearing hijab, or things like that), listen to them. Allah will reward you for it, insha Allah, and who knows, it may be that Allah is protecting you from something harmful through having them hold you back from doing something. Like it says in the Quran:

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. – Quran (2:216)

Talk to your parents, ask them why they would advise you stay away from what they’re prohibiting, but ask with wisdom. Ask kindly, and explain that you’d like to know so you can understand and grow from the matter. If that doesn’t work out well, then say Alhamdulillah, accept what they’ve asked of you, and go on with your day. Make dua asking Allah for guidance, and talk to Him. He is our greatest counselor, and the greatest weapon of a believer is dua.

I hope this answers your question, insha Allah. If you’d like to discuss this further, or have any more questions, you can email me at mail@nadirkeval.com, and we can set up an appointment to talk, insha Allah. Take care.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do?
Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do? 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

I was anonymously asked a question by a brave sister on Tumblr about a matter that many in the Muslim community, young and old face. It includes matters that are often considered taboo, and aren’t addressed for that same reason, or because people are too shy to approach Muslim scholars and counselors about the matter. So, I felt it would be wise to share my response to the sister with all of you. Be sure to share this article with your friends and family, as it is something many may not admit to struggle with, but would eagerly read in hopes of finding at least the first step to overcoming their internal struggle.

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Wa alaikum assalaam sister,

The situation you’re in is definitely a difficult one, but it is also very common. I talk to individuals about things like this more often than most would be willing to accept. So, don’t feel like this is an impossible thing to work on. It’s human nature, and will take your dedication and hard work to move forward from it, insha Allah. Trust me, you can get through this and become the person you’re aspiring to be, be-idhnillah.

No matter what the thing we’re struggling with is, the first step is almost always to first work on increasing the faith-related matters in our lives. Here are a few things you can do to get started:

  • Salah: Work on increasing your Salah, praying on time, and focusing while in Salah.
  • Dua: Make more dua, sincere dua. Learn about the etiquette of dua, and focus on composing your dua correctly.
  • Company: Surround yourself with people who inspire you to increase your Imaan. That could include going to sister’s halaqas, spending more time at the masjid, etc. The Prophet (SAW) said that we are a reflection of the company we keep. Remember that when you feel uncomfortable or out of place in the company of people you don’t usually hang around.
  • Quran: Read the Quran more often, 10 verses at a time. Study those 10 verses, memorize them, understand them, apply them to your life, and then move to the next 10 verses.

Take these things on one at a time, and slowly move towards betterment. It’s better to take small steps forward and to keep moving, than to take leaps and bounds only to fall back three times as far as you leapt forward.

I’ll try to address the specific things you mentioned in your message, to the best of my abilities. When approaching

  • Music: This is something I struggled with a lot growing up, so I can understand how difficult it can be. Some believe that it’s not haram, others believe it is. I choose to play it safe, considering this is my Hereafter I’m putting on the line, and just avoid music. That said, it’s a process to overcome. To start, when you want to listen to music, begin with listening to Muslim HipHop and things like that. There are other genres, but yeah. Then, slowly move towards listening to nasheeds with music in the background. Then, slowly to nasheeds without music, and finally, towards listening to Quran and seminars. It will take time, and everyone has their own pace, but you’ll get there, insha Allah.
  • Not covering up: In our Deen, both men and women have been prescribed guidelines as to what is Islamically sound and what isn’t when it comes to the matters of maintaining our modesty and appearance. It’s not my place to speak on hijab, so I won’t. But, I can speak on the benefits that covering up have had on my life. There is something about covering up that results in a greater level of confidence, power, and conviction in all that I do. On top of this, I have this sense of privacy, because of which I find it difficult to feel any sense of comfort if something as small as a bit of my back showing when I go into sujood (prostration) during Salah. That has come through an appreciation and love for humility and modesty. I know those two words (humility and modesty) get thrown around alot, making them lose the weight they carry, but honestly, I believe that what differentiates many of us is how sincere we are in the genuine aspects of human nature that make us different from those who have forgotten those sincere aspects, regardless of who they are or what they stand for. Finally, we strive to live our lives in a way that is an emulation of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions (RA). Ask yourself what they would’ve done, and try to emulate that. Oh, and one more thing that always inspired me to cover up is that Musa (AS) had a physique and overall appearance that was amongst the best, but he would always remain covered out of shyness. A man like him, so strong, wise, and genuine in his leadership qualities, was shy. That shows me that shyness is a good quality to have, and one that I hope to possess myself, insha Allah.
  • Pornography: The world we live in today makes access to pornography as easy as, well, using google. That’s a scary thought, but it’s something that simply needs to be battled within our hearts and souls, through filling our time with other matters that are more beneficial to us. What I have recommended to others in the past (that has worked for them, alhamdulillah), is to avoid using computers for any more reason than is necessary for work or school. Turn your phone or tablets, or any of that stuff off once you come home from school/work. Head to bed early. Wake up early. Take up working out, martial arts classes, a women’s only gym class or sessions, etc. Start going to those halaqas at sister’s groups or at the masjid. Find a new hobby (one that doesn’t involve too much interaction with men). Set goals and work towards them every day, and track your progress. Buy/Make a calendar, and for every day you indulge in pornography or masturbate or anything like that, put a black or red mark on the calendar date you do any of those things on. Don’t put any other labels on it, to maintain your privacy. Just a simple calendar with marks on it. If anyone asks, say that you’re just working on a habit you’re trying to form (which is to live without pornography – but don’t tell them this detail). Try to reduce the markings as much as possible until you’re left with a clean calendar for at least 3 weeks straight (studies have shown that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). Only look at the calendar if you indulge, otherwise, leave it aside in a private place. This builds on “out of sight, out of mind”. Reminding yourself of it often will make it difficult to fully move forward. Take your time with this, don’t give up no matter how difficult it becomes, hold yourself accountable for your actions, but don’t let that depress you. Instead, let it motivate you to fight to remove this addiction from your heart and life.
  • Partying with boys: Alhamdulillah, this is one of those things that’s easier to work on. From my own experiences, I spent most of my life surrounded by women. Most of my relatives are women, and my home includes my dad and I along with my grandmother, mother, and three sisters. So, I found more comfort and belonging amongst women. That meant that growing up, a lot of my friends would be women, I would rarely interact with guys to the extent of having them be my close friends, etc. Then, as I began learning more about Islam, and began applying what I learned to my life, I reduced my interaction with women significantly, striving to maintain it within the bounds of the teachings of Islam, alhamdulillah. The reason I bring up my own story is because the advice I gave you about making the Deen a bigger part of your life through Salah, Dua, reading Quran, and surrounding yourself around fellow sisters that inspire you towards becoming a better Muslim, is a reflection of the same things I did to overcome this matter. It took it’s time, but alhamdulillah, it worked. Fill your time with other things that are beneficial for you in this life and the Next, limit your interaction with guys (that aren’t your mahram) to only what is necessary to conduct business (i.e. school projects, work, etc.), and whenever you’re invited or have the urge to go out and party, pray 2 rakah of voluntary salah, or make dua, and ask yourself, “Is this something Allah would be pleased with? If I die, would I be able to face Allah about this?” If you’re answer is yes, then move forward. If it isn’t, then leave the matter for the sake of Allah, and trust Him to reward you and to replace what you left with something that’s better for you in this life and the Next. We live in a time where peer pressure is immensely strong in matters like these, where people take the matter of interaction with opposite gender too lightly. It’s a matter that should be taken more seriously, and should be recognized as a source of temptation towards other things, like the things you mentioned you struggle with. Run everything you do through the filter of Islam, and if you find that there’s even the slightest doubt of what you’re considering to be something that Allah and His Messenger (SAW) would be pleased with, leave it. It’ll be hard at first, but it will pay off.

Everything I’ve mentioned in response to your question comes with the understanding that you will have to work hard to overcome these struggles, and that the journey will not be easy. But, as they say, “Nothing worth having comes easy,” you know that your reward in this life and the Next will be worth the efforts. I pray that Allah grants you ease and success as you take on this inner battle, and that He rewards you immensely throughout this life and the Hereafter, so that your Imaan and love for Allah will continue to increase exponentially throughout your life, insha Allah. Ameen. If you have any more questions, you’re more than welcome to email me to book an appointment to discuss things further, insha Allah, either over video counseling or chat counseling. My email address is mail@nadirkeval.com. Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Has Allah Forgotten Me?
Has Allah Forgotten Me? 1366 768 Nadir Keval

Question:

Assalamu alaikum, brother, I wanted to thank you because some of your posts have helped me with life. But I wanted to ask you about some things, kindly link me tosome materials regarding hope and trust in Allah and how I can cope with depression and anxiety please? We’re going through an armada of health, financial, and psychological problems and I can’t stand seeing my mother cry. I am an ‘alright’ following Muslim but I feel that Allah has forgotten me.

Response:

Wa alaikum assalaam,

Insha Allah, this reaches you in the best state of health and Imaan. I’m glad to hear that my work has been beneficial to you and has helped you, Alhamdulillah.

First off, I would like to remind you that often, we feel that Allah has forgotten us, but the truth is usually that we aren’t doing our part to get closer to Him. Look at it this way, if you met someone that you wanted to have in your life because you believed they would be able to help change your life for the better, how hard would you work to try to get and maintain that person’s attention? You would probably also put a lot of effort into gaining that person’s approval and satisfaction. See, the thing is, we put forth so much effort towards those who are simply people and have no real control over our life’s condition without the help and provision of Allah, but we hardly put any effort towards gaining that relationship with Allah, who is the One that has control over our affairs and can help us through anything.

There are a few articles that I’ve written on my blog that relate to what you’re going through. I will list them below. I would, however, also like to share some advice with you as a person who has also gone through similar struggles time and time again in his life. Honestly, the greatest key towards betterment and solutions to our life problems is building on our relationship with Allah. What I would suggest to you is to start increasing your Ibadah, Dua, and Dhikr. Start working on perfecting your Salah, wake up for Tahajjud and make dua for what you’re wanting, and try to constantly keep your mouth moving with Dhikr like saying, “Astaghfirullah,” or “Alhamdulillah,” or “Subhanallah,” etc. That is the same advice my sheikh and friend gave me, and honestly, it helped me remain calm through all my struggles, helped me see light in the darkest corners of my life, and simply made me happier. Try working on this yourself first, and after a week or so of consistent practice, ask your mother to join you, motivating, helping, and supporting her in doing it with you. This will build a sense of unified peace between you (and others in you home if you have them join you as well), and will give you all a sense of peace amongst what appears to be the chaos of your life’s condition right now.

Remember, it’s all about your perception of things. Often, we think our condition is horrible, but that’s only because we are so focused in on what we’re going through that we forget to look at all that’s happening around us, and when that happens, whether we know it or not, a small part of us becomes ungrateful for all that we’ve been blessed with. The struggles and challenges we face in our lives are opportunities Allah is giving us to grow closer to Him and to grow stronger as individuals. Remember, Allah says that He never burdens a soul beyond what it can bear (Quran 2:286), and the Prophet (SAW) said that there is no calamity that strikes a believer, even if it is as small as the prick of a thorn, except that it expiates/removes the sins of that believer.

Allah is giving you an opportunity. Take it. Become better Muslims than you already are, grow closer to Him, and remember to look at those around you or around the world who are struggling far more than you (there’s always SOMEONE that’s struggling more than we are), and be thankful for what you have.

Those are my suggestions for your first steps, and if you’d like to discuss things further or in more detail, you are more than welcome to email me at mail@nadirkeval.com. Everything we discuss will remain confidential, insha Allah.

I hope this was of some help. Below are the articles from my blog that I feel may relate to your situation. Take care.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

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Question: Why Are Some People Tested More Than Others? – Nadir Keval

To Be Happy – Nadir Keval

The Seed Of All Success – Nadir Keval

Creating Crutches – Nadir Keval

These are just some of the articles on my blog that relate to your situation. To be honest, what you’re going through is very common (which is a good thing, because it shows you that you’re not alone and that since others have been able to overcome it, so can you, alhamdulillah!), so I’ve written quite a few articles pertaining to situations and conditions similar to yours. You can find them in the mentoring archive on my blog.

Question: What if I’ve already committed adultery? Do I have a chance at making things right?
Question: What if I’ve already committed adultery? Do I have a chance at making things right? 2000 1125 Nadir Keval

My last article, “Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam” got A LOT of readers and feedback, Alhamdulillah. Opened my eyes to how many people really struggle with the issue. One particular question I received stood out to me most, inclining me towards sharing it with all of you.

The Question:

okay, about that marital affair thingy, what if someone has done something that according to your post is wrong and that someone wants to make things right? is there any chance they can do things right? if they are still in that relationship and they regret doing what they did?

The Response:

Assalaamu alaikum,

Often, we find ourselves feeling as though we are unable to turn back, or have no chance at repentance, but the truth of the matter is, repentance is always an option. As Allah says in the Quran:

“And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity (i.e. commit Shirk) or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated – Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” – (25:68-70)

Notice that in this verse alone, you see that Allah promises His Forgiveness and Mercy for those who do three things:

  1. Repent: to repent is to not only seek forgiveness, but to make a sincere effort to not repeat the action that inclined you to repent
  2. Believe: it is one thing to claim that we are strong in faith, and it’s another to apply all that we know and to make it a part of what makes us who we are – ensure that worship and obedience of Allah is the core of your existence, and that every aspect of your life including your career, your relationships (with family, a potential spouse, friends, etc.), your health, etc. are all tailored around your faith.
  3. Do righteous work: taking steps towards making an effort to do righteous work through following the examples and guidelines in the Quran and Sunnah – doing righteous work is a way of showing Allah that you want to get closer to Him, want to increase your good deeds to outweigh sin, and that you want to make a change in your lifestyle

I am not a sheikh or scholar, and this explanation is not one of Tafseer that I have studied. It is rather, my understanding on the topic based on what I have learned of Islam over years of attending Halaqas, discussing the topic with scholars and students of Islam, and counseling.

What I would suggest to you is to do what I mentioned above, based on the verses. If you and the person with whom you committed zina are interested in pursuing marriage, cleanse the situation by keeping your distance from each other, meeting only in the presence of a mahram, and take steps towards marriage in a way that is in accordance to the Quran and Sunnah. If this is something that the other person is not pleased with, remember that there is no value in the obedience of the creation if it leads to the disobedience of the Creator. Also, this will bring clarity to you as to how good this person would be for you in the case of marriage. Remember, marriage in Islam plays many roles, one of which is to be a source of inspiration and support as the couple works towards righteousness and ultimately, a place in Jannah.

I hope this answers your question. If you’d like to follow up, you’re more than welcome to email me at mail@nadirkeval.com and we can set up an appointment to discuss things more. I look forward to hearing from you, insha Allah. Take care of yourself.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam
Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam 1200 567 Nadir Keval

So, earlier today, I answered a question that brought me more concern than I’ve felt in a very long time. A young girl, mid-teens, asked a question about sex. To keep her safe and to respect her, I have chosen to keep her identity anonymous. What makes this scarier for me is that it hits close to home, because one of my sisters is about the same age as her. The question (posted below) is one that is most likely common amongst Muslim youth, especially living in today’s society (at least from what I know of here in North America). I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a worldwide issue. Either way, I thought it would be wise to share my thoughts and understanding of the issue with all of you, as well as to take this as an opportunity for fellow Muslims to kindly and wisely express their thoughts and suggestions to the young sister that is trying to do the right thing in a very emotionally fragile and sensitive issue. You can post your comments in the section below the article. That said, any harsh, insensitive, or negative comments will be deleted immediately.

Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam (pic)

My Response:

Assalaamu alaikum,

Ramadan Mubarak. Insha Allah, you’re doing well. No need to feel embarrassed. In fact, I’m glad to hear that you’re taking steps to ensure that you’re doing everything correctly, according to Islam.

When it comes to the relationships between men and women, it’s important to understand that the relationship between any two people of the opposite gender is always considered to be unlawful unless the person is their mahram (through being married to the person, or if the person is a person that falls under the descriptions in this Ayah from the Quran: “… and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons…” [al-Noor 24:31]).

About the two of you engaging in anything sexual, it would be haram to do so. Intention is definitely a major factor, but it is not the sole reasoning behind whether something counts as a good or bad deed.

“Allah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina (adultery, fornication), which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.”  – Prophet Muhammad (SAW)

(I had misquoted this Hadith in the actual response, but I have corrected it here. Still, the lesson was the same.)

The Quran also states:

“And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)” – [al-Isra’ 17:32]

These two points show us that Islam not only forbids pre-marital relations between a man and woman, but also explicitly reminds us to avoid even coming near them.

What I would recommend is that you and the brother, if you are both sincerely interested in marriage, to keep your distance from one another as much as possible, and only meet and communicate with the presence of a mahram. If you feel you need to keep in touch, keep it minimal, and avoid things like sensual speech, pet names, and excessive talk.

I know that this is all probably extremely hard to hear, and you may not want to act on it because of that, but as you are sincerely wanting to learn the right approach and want to avoid sin and falling into difficulty in the future, this is something you’ll have to take heed in. I know how hard it can be. I’ve been there before as well, and I assure you, this is what brings to light the true nature and intentions of individuals, and is what makes clear the truth of where one’s heart lies.

Until you are both ready to get married, keep your interaction to a minimum within the bounds of Islam as mentioned above. I pray that the brother supports you in this. If he does not, I ask you from the depths of my heart and as a person who has three younger sisters, please do not act in any way based on your emotions, but rather, put your trust and heart in Allah’s Hands. He will give you what’s best for you. Remember, we want what will benefit us most in this life and the Hereafter, and sometimes, what we want doesn’t coincide with that. Grow closer to Allah, and take steps from there.

If you would like to discuss this further, or have any more questions, you can contact me at mail@nadirkeval.com and we can go from there. I pray that Allah continues to guide you, ease your struggle and journey, and bless you with a husband, be it this man or someone better, who will inspire you towards greatness in every aspect of your life so that you may reach the heights of Jannah. Take care of yourself, and I hope to hear good news from you soon.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

A few more notes:

Parents, take these things seriously!

I wouldn’t be surprised (because I’ve witnessed it time and time again growing up) if the parents don’t even realize how serious the two people are. I’ve seen many parents joke with their kids about someone being like a husband or wife to their child, after the child becomes shy or mentions that they’ve got a crush on someone. It’s innocent until taken seriously. Problem is, a lot of parents today don’t realize what their children go through on a daily basis. Shoot, when I was 15, swearing was considered a horrifically gutsy thing to do. Now, having sex and being intimate with someone is considered not only a norm, but is almost a prerequisite for many cliques at the different schools around the nation.

In addition to this, many parents, especially those from “back home”, don’t take the time out to have the birds and the bees talk with their children, leaving their children with no defense against the temptations and pressures of living in the incredibly active sexual environments of schools today. I know it’s difficult to hear, parents, but pretending like it doesn’t exist won’t prepare your child in facing it when it hits them in the face like the reality it is. Start early, and discuss it with them before they enter the 8th grade. I fear that my generation will have to start speaking to their children about this alongside their basic multiplication timetables. Do this before it’s too late, because once your child is attached, it’ll be incredibly difficult to help them detach. And going to sheikhs and imams when you’re child isn’t listening to you anymore, is out dating, is sexually active, or even gets pregnant or gets someone pregnant, won’t be of any avail, because by then, it’ll be too late for anything other than divine intervention (i.e. if Allah chooses to guide them). At that point, it’ll be on you to remind them, make dua for them, and try your best to help them deal with the consequences of their and your actions. But that’s most likely all you’ll be able to do.

God-Fearing Is A Loosely Used Term

I hear this too often, especially amongst young Muslims that are looking to marry someone they’re “in love” with. I understand where they’re coming from, especially considering I was in their place once, and believed that love was something that could exist before marriage. Truth is, before marriage, it’s all lust. And your relationship with a person of the opposite gender, no matter your intentions, is that of strangers or acquaintances, at least until you get married. There are ways to get to know someone before marriage, but they must be maintained within the bounds of Islam, as mentioned in my response to the question above.

Also, keep in mind, that to be God-fearing means to be one who puts God first. If Allah has commanded that pre-marital relations are forbidden, then a God-fearing person wouldn’t be comfortable with pursuing anything that would incline him or her towards having any sexual or intimate relations before marriage. Now, I’m not claiming that the brother in the question isn’t God-fearing – I can’t open his heart and know his intention, but what I can say for certain is that knowledge is definitely lacking if he believes that intention is all that matters (I’ll talk more about that in a minute). Take the time out for the both of you to grow as individuals in both worldly and religious matters. A man and a woman should be in a position where they should be ready for marriage, but at such a young age, I highly doubt that he has the income to support a wife and home, or that either of you even have the religious or worldly knowledge of how to handle yourselves in your personal growth, let alone a relationship of marriage.

You’ve Heard It Before, But You’re Too Young!

Ask anyone who went through their teens, and they will tell you that there were so many occasions in which they though they had things under control and knew what they wanted out of life. They believed that everything was a now or never type thing, and that if they didn’t act now, they’d be missing out on a huge part of life. Now, ask them if they later realized that they were wrong, and most will tell you they were. Life is a journey. It’s not about getting things done as soon as possible, but it’s about making the most of what you aspire and hope for. So, when you go to school, have goals towards a career that you’ll love, then take your time and work towards it.  When it comes to relationships and marriage, recognize that who you’re meant to be with will be yours when the time is best for you, and instead of rushing through it and feeling like it’s the end of the world if you don’t end up with the person you like right now, take a moment, step away from it, and ask yourself if the person is truly right for you, and if that person will help you take the right steps towards becoming a better person and a better Muslim. If the person fails your tests of sacrificing certain desires (like sex) until after marriage, ask yourself how committed that person really is to you. Most likely, the person is acting on their hormones, and although I’m sure you’ve heard it before, in your teens and sometimes into your twenties, your hormones will be RAGING.

There is far too much to experience and enjoy in life before marriage, and it can be done successfully within the bounds of Islam as well. I’ll give you my own example: I’ve strived towards living my life to the fullest by enjoying every moment, but one of the key things that allows me to do that is accepting life as it comes, not rushing in to things, and working hard to build on myself and my faith. I’m not married yet, but because of this mindset, I’ve been able to accept what comes, and pray and wait patiently until Allah brings the right woman my way. I’ve had multiple moments in my past where I’ve felt that I found the right person, being the hopeless romantic I am, and was hurt and disappointed when things didn’t work out. But, I look back at those women or those circumstances and thank Allah because I now recognize how Allah saved me from what wouldn’t have been good for me.

“As long as your intention is pure…”

I was a teenager not too long ago, and I can tell you right now, especially as a guy, there’s one thing he’s looking for. Alhamdulillah, I grew up with Islam being the forefront of my life, and I know others who did the same, but when we were in our teens, there was always one main thing on our minds when it came to the opposite gender. Some may think it sounds gross, but it’s the truth. You wouldn’t believe how many people I know that fell for that line in their teens and ended up either pregnant or depressed when after fulfilling his desires, the guy left, got bored, or went on to live out his life in an attempt to avoid his responsibilities.

Intention is the first step, and action is the second. Purity of intention is based on its relation to what Allah has permitted and what He has prohibited. Regardless of how “pure” your intention is, if what you intend to do is haram, it’s haram. Simple as that.

Final Thoughts

This is something that is close to my heart, and makes me feel a great amount of worry and concern for future generations. As a man who has grown up with three younger sisters, and has experienced a great deal in the short life I’ve been blessed to live so far, I’ve faced a lot of ups and downs. One thing that I have learned is that the only solution and key to happiness is living out in a way that is most pleasing to Allah through the complete submission to Allah and practice of the Quran and Sunnah. I’ve felt the physical effects of not living that way, and I assure you, it’s not worth the fulfillment of any desire. And unfortunately, desires are a thing that once fulfilled will resurface quickly and with a greater pull. I pray that we, and the generations to come, can all live our lives in a way wherein we are happy and pleased through pleasing Allah. Ameen.

Question: I suffer from an eating disorder. Am I sinning and how can I get better?
Question: I suffer from an eating disorder. Am I sinning and how can I get better? 1600 1254 Nadir Keval

I contribute my articles, quotes, and input to one of the biggest Islamic blogs today, The Beauty Of Islam – an honour and privilege to say the least, Alhamdulillah. Through working with this site and my own counseling efforts, I have seen some things that truly reveal the hidden struggles many face every day, but are unable to bring to light in fear of ridicule or judgment, or because a lack of knowledge of where they should go for help.

A little while back, we received a message that inclined me towards wanting to post my response in hopes of being help to others who may be going through the same or a similar struggle. I will keep the question anonymous, so as to maintain the privacy of the person who asked this question. What saddens me most is that people are raised or conditioned to think that they are in sin for facing a problem that is not completely in their hands. We all have the ability and opportunity to grow and overcome, and we all must recognize that with sincerity in thought and action, Allah is capable of forgiving any and all sins. Situations like these (the question below), however, are more psychology and mental health related, and should not been seen sins per se.

I would love to hear feedback and more input on how I could help those who are going through this struggle or any other struggle like it. Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Question:

Salaams.. I’m a teenager.. I’m completely ashamed to admit this but I occasionally suffer from bulimia.. Does Islam guide one on how to eat? Or are there any fast quick effects to rid myself of an eating disorder because I know it’s a huge sin

Answer:

Wa alaikum assalaam 🙂

First off, I would say, don’t be too hard on yourself. Refrain from considering yourself victimized or to be someone that is full of sin and incapable of recompense or revival.

What you are experiencing is one of many different struggles and challenges Muslims face on a daily basis. You are not alone in this, and there are others who have not only been in the same place as you, but have successfully overcome.

There are few things to change when it comes to matters like these, in order to see success. First and foremost is the recognition of there being the need for a change and a solution. Second, is to look at your body as being a gift from Allah, and to take care of that gift and give it its rights through providing it with the physical, mental, and spiritual nourishment it requires and deserves. Third, is to actually act on that knowledge.

In regards to eating well, the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) is to eat and drink as though your body is made of three components: food, drink, and air. He said that we should fill 1/3 of our stomachs with food, 1/3 with drink, and 1/3 with air.

As you eat, ensure that what you eat is in moderation, is healthy, and is enjoyable. Remember that in order for you to take care of the gift Allah has provided you (i.e. your body), you must fuel it regularly, take care of it, and not hurt it in any way.

In addition to this, focus on building your relationship with Allah. Increase your worship, pray more often (within the bounds of the Sunnah), and spend time with fellow Muslims.

These are just some of my tips. You may be contacted by one of the other Beauty of Islam admins for a response. I do, however, work as a mentor, and would be more than happy to work with you in helping you overcome. When you’re ready to, you’re more than welcome to contact me at mail@nadirkeval.com, and we can discuss things further, and work together to help you overcome this challenge you’ve been blessed with. Remember, there is nothing Allah allows into your life, that you are not capable of overcoming, or will not ultimately benefit you. I look forward to hearing back from you, insha Allah. Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

You can find more questions and answers like these on my Tumblr blog: nadirkeval.tumblr.com

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