Faith

Question: Is it haram to read horoscopes for the personality descriptions?
Question: Is it haram to read horoscopes for the personality descriptions? 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

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Wa alaikum assalaam 🙂

That’s an interesting question, and I know it’s one that many nowadays may come across in their daily lives. To be honest, when it comes to matters like these, where something has some components to it which are outright haram, I try my best to stick to a personal rule of just leaving the matter completely, so as to not make myself vulnerable to the whispers of Shaitaan any more than life already entails. When it came to this topic specifically, I did some research, and came upon a hadith that states, “Whoever learns anything of astrology has learned a branch of witchcraft (al-sihr)…” (Abu Dawood). This ties in with what I said about leaving something that has some degree of haram in it. Sihr, or witchcraft/black magic is haram in itself, and a means to greater misguidance. Many of the Ulamah states that Astrology is in fact a form of Shirk, as well.

So, overall, my recommendation would be to keep your distance from things like this, because sometimes we let small things slide, even with good or harmless intentions, but it is through those things that Shaitaan gets to us. If I were you, I wouldn’t let the personality traits and characteristics described in horoscopes play any role in helping me understand people, because every individual is unique. The best way to get to know a person is usually to just say hello and have a conversation, in my opinion.

Remember, I’m not a scholar or a Sheikh, or anything like that. I’m simply here as a person answering a question asked, to the best of my abilities. I would recommend speaking to a scholar in your local area for more information and clarification on the topic. I pray that Allah forgives and guides me for anything I have said here that may be wrong or misguided, and that He help you and I, as well as anyone else who reads this post, find the correct and best answer to this question so that we may be amongst the righteous. Ameen. Jazakallahu khair for your question! I hope it helped 🙂 Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval

For more information and details, check out: Rulings on Horoscopes

Progression Through Addictions
Progression Through Addictions 1725 810 Nadir Keval

Yesterday, I hit a new high with my ambition. Funny enough, it actually came after one of my lowest times in my pursuit of happiness and success in my life. What happened was that I got this jolt of inspiration and began to work harder to make my goals a reality, despite the fact that I’ve been fasting and have been extremely drained of energy on most days.

See, this Ramadan has been one that has perhaps been one of the toughest, yet most beneficial and fruitful Ramadan’s I’ve ever experienced. Coming into this holy month, I was determined to reach my goals and to see a change. I was tired of giving in to my weakness, using those weakness as excuses, and ultimately letting them take over my life. I wasn’t being my best for the last few years, and it was really difficult to keep myself moving because it felt as though I was my own worst enemy, despite often being surrounded by negativity or misunderstanding.

For those who may not know what Ramadan is all about, to put it simply, Ramadan is almost like an annual detox and growth period for Muslims around the world. During this month, Muslims refrain from food and drink of any kind from sunrise to sunset, they work on removing negative components of their lives, discipline their desires, increase their acts of worship, build their relationship with Allah (God), and work on bettering themselves and spiritually recharging to take on the year to come. Ramadan is one of the holy months in the Islamic Calendar, and often lasts for 30 days. (This is a basic description, so if you’d like to know more, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment below this article or to send me a message.)

This Ramadan, I’ve been trying to overcome an addiction I’ve struggled with for most of my life. It’s not an addiction like smoking or drinking, or anything like that, alhamdulillah, but it’s a major struggle I haven’t been able to overcome, and one that has negatively influenced a great deal of my life. I’ve begun to understand that all of us have our vices, our addictions, our obsessions, and those things can be bad for us if we fall too deep into them. For example, consider that even drinking too much water can lead to us hurting ourselves, even though water is a human necessity. I learned that everything comes with a need for balance, and a need for how to approach something wisely. To put that into context of the water example, technically, you could get water from drinking soda/pop, but that is far more harmful to your body than drinking pure water would be.

When it comes to overcoming addictions, I’ve been trying to remind myself that life is not about achieving perfection, but of continuously being in a state of progression. I’ve mentioned this in the past as well, but in a more religious context, where I said:

Islam isn't about being perfect

This has been a reminder that I’ve dedicated myself to trying to remember every single day, especially when I felt the inclination to give in to my struggles and weaknesses. This Ramadan so far has not resulted in my overcoming my addiction yet, but it has helped me in making leaps and bounds in making progress towards change. THAT is what I’ve been looking for. Not the expectation of achieving something, but instead to know that I am capable of overcoming it one day. What I’ve been struggling with is something that most people consider to be a normal part of life, but for me, it just has never sat well in my heart. I always felt like it wasn’t comfortable or normal for me, so I’ve always felt the need for change, but was just never able to move forward. I felt for many years that this was something I just needed to accept as being a part of myself I would never be able to let go of.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that just accepting it as my fate, in this case, was really my way of cushioning the fact that I was giving up. If anyone knows me, I can be a bit stubborn at times, especially when it comes to the idea of giving up on something. I rarely accept giving up, and so I knew that there was betterment out there for me. I knew it was possible for me to change. Perhaps it rang through my heart, without my knowing it, but looking back now, I realize that I always had this verse in my heart and mind:

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” – Quran (2:286)

A reminder like that really being instilled in me helped in letting me know that there is always hope towards change and betterment, no matter how difficult your situation may be. I also remembered, the verses from Surah At-Talaq, which reminded me of the importance of what I needed to build on in order to earn the Mercy and Help of Allah:

“That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out; And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” – Quran (65:2-3)

That last bit stood out to me, especially. The last sentence was the one that hit me hardest. The rest of the verses already made sense to me, but the last sentence made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I had to go through this struggle because it was what I needed. This addiction was something that kept me grounded from growing too quickly for my own good. Does that mean I’m not meant to grow and reach those goals? Not necessarily. Instead, it means that Allah has His own plans, and that includes both what happens for and to me, AND when those things happen.

Addiction is something I’ve learned may have its benefits. How many successful and influential people have you met or heard of who said that despite knowing what they needed to do, they weren’t able to do it until they hit rock bottom. Perhaps, that’s what addiction, along with other struggles like it, lead to. Perhaps, that is why these things exist. I’m not necessarily suggesting one indulges in any addiction or struggle, but instead, to take your time in working through things and growing at a pace that doesn’t hurt you. Know that you will go through withdrawal, but push through it. Work outside of your comfort zone, but don’t let it harm you. Remember these three components of progression through addictions:

  1. Have faith
  2. Practice patience
  3. Be relentless

This is your journey, and to stumble, to get stuck, and to feel lost at times, are all a part of being on a journey. It’s never all sunshine and lollipops. Embrace that truth in your heart and mind, and be kind to yourself. You will overcome, you will grow, and you will achieve greater levels of greatness with every day, God-willing. You can do this, I’m sure. How? For the reasons I mentioned above, and through the fact that I’VE been able to, and I’m certain you can too!

Try, Try Again
Try, Try Again 1536 808 Nadir Keval

With being halfway through Ramadan 2014, I’ve been giving a lot of thought towards bettering myself this month. One of the things I’ve learned more than almost anything else is how we are very fragile people, and we need to easier on ourselves. It’s important that we do our best to be better ourselves, but when we fail or fall, we shouldn’t give up.

Before Ramadan began, I wrote out a list of goals I had set out for myself. I was determined to let go of some bad habits, develop some new ones, and establish a stronger relationship with Allah. I have to say, it has been a lot tougher than I had anticipated. I figured that if I gave myself a strict schedule, or if I wrote a list of tasks every day and worked on every task one at a time, I’d reach my goals very easily. Then, reality punched me in the face. And for that, I am thankful. You see, I realized that those approaches to reaching my goals were great, but I had to be prepared for the journey of accomplishing them. That meant that I would fall, that I would mess up, that I would make mistakes, and that the key was that I didn’t let that stop me from trying again.

Often, especially considering we live in a time of the need for instant gratification, we become upset with ourselves and get discouraged when something doesn’t work after our first attempt at it. That can be self-destructive, as I’ve learned through my last two weeks’ experiences. See, I would be pumped, ecstatic to reach my goals, but upon having a single hiccup in the process, I would get discouraged or pulled back from wanting to try again. This was a huge reminder to me, especially since I often tell clients, “Allah doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He expects us to simply try to be our best.” Looking back, I can’t believe how true that statement rang for me. I needed that reminder that we are capable of anything in our lives, and we are here for the journey.

I remember hearing a lecture, in which the speaker mentioned a story about Umar ibn Al-Khattab, one of the Prophet (SAW)’s closest friends and the second Caliph of Islam. The speaker mentioned that Umar never concerned himself with the end result of his supplication, whether or not it would be answered, or would be in favour of his desires. Instead, he focused on constructing his dua (supplication) in the best way that he could. This concept made me think, not only in regards to my need to be better with my dua, but also in regards to how I lead my life and strive to become a better man and a better Muslim. I learned that in our lives, it’s important that we keep moving forward, no matter how many times we fall, because it is those same fallings that strengthen our character, as well as our drive and connection to our goals.

Life is something that we cannot always plan for. We plan and Allah plans, and He is the best of planners. What we should focus on is how we react to our experiences. Do we take a optimistic and positive approach to it, or do we wallow in our grief and give up? Remember that Allah has promised us in the Quran that He will not burden us with more than we can bear, so take His Promise as your security blanket, and then go out there and take risks to accomplish your goals. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone. And when the fear of failure presents itself, push it aside and go after your goals.

This Ramadan has been great so far, Alhamdulillah, but with only half of it left, I hope to go above and beyond what I’ve been doing so far to make the most of every moment. I pray that Allah grants all of us ease and success in our goals, and that He allows us all the opportunity to see the next Ramadan with stronger hearts, more faith-enriched souls, and with success in new goals that we never even thought we could consider pursuing. Ameen!

Religion, Society, and Parents – Why so many rules?
Religion, Society, and Parents – Why so many rules? 4235 2817 Nadir Keval

I was asked a question today, and I felt it to be a great topic to share with all of you. Be sure to leave your comments below, and if you know anyone else you think may benefit from this, please share it with them and your friends on places like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and any other social media network you may be on. Thank you and jazakallahu khairun.

Question:

Salam Nadir, how are you? I’m sorry I ask soo many questions but this has been bugging me. In Islam, we constantly are told what not to do. And of course it’ll make us look into it and makes us want to do it. What are we allowed to do? Its a super silly question but being a teenage girl, I feel as though I don’t have much choice. Then culture comes in and even going out for a walk seems like a complete sin (to my parents at least). What do you think I could do?? Jzk 🙂

Answer:

Wa alaikum assalaam 🙂

I’m doing well, alhamdulillah. Insha Allah, things are going well on your end, as well. Let me start by saying that there is never a reason to apologize for asking me questions. I’m here to help the best I can, insha Allah, and I will always try my best to do so.

Islam doesn’t necessarily constantly tell us what not to do. It instead tells us the virtues of doing certain things and the consequences of doing other things. Islam has been prescribed to us as a way of life, and its guidelines have been laid out through the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). That is an understandable and highly beneficial gift, considering most live their lives trying to figure out their path in life, while we as Muslims have been blessed with a clear and detailed life manual.

When it comes to what we are and aren’t allowed to do, my way of understanding it is using this:

“When it comes to matters of our Deen and its practice, everything is haram except for what the Prophet (SAW) and his companions did and taught us based on the Quran and Sunnah. When it comes to matters of our duniya and our interaction with it, everything is halal except for what has been forbidden to us in the Quran and Sunnah.”

Your question of, “What are we allowed to do?” is one that comes with a very lengthy and tedious response if not put into context. So, the first thing to figure out is what you’re asking specifically…meaning, what are we allowed to do concerning what exactly? This isn’t a super silly question; it’s not even a silly question. It’s simply a question, and a valid one at that. Islam being a religion of justice, on the condition that you practice it to the best of your abilities, will never place you in a position of feeling unjustly treated. The reason I included the condition of practicing it to the best of your abilities is because if taken out of context, or if not looked at with a sincere desire to please Allah, to gain His Mercy, and to reserve a place in Jannah, we can easily misconstrue the Quranic verses and the Prophetic traditions (of the Hadith) into something that could cause us far more harm than benefit.

Taking out the time and effort to better understand why you are facing these struggles that have been placed in front of you in the falsely claimed name of Islam is a reflection of your desire to seek out the truth, and that is an admirable trait in anyone, especially one in this day and age. Depending on where you live, there are definitely some places of the world where certain rules are placed on individuals or groups in the name of religion, when in fact they hold no place in religious fact, but instead are based on cultural and societal norms. Sometimes, it may not be the places we live, but rather, those who are in our lives that compel us to stick to certain rules that hold no place in religion. That said, depending on who those people are, we should be wise in how we approach them in regards to these matters. When it comes to most people in society, unless you are risking your own safety, don’t bother with the opinions of others. Focus instead on developing your own identity, while being conscious of the judgment of Allah, following the example of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions, and being kind to and obeying your parents.

In the case of parents, let’s be honest, there are hardly any people in the world that haven’t had some disagreements with their parents. In fact, because every parent was once a child, your parents too probably had some disagreements or conflicts with their own parents. Your parents probably went through similar things as you are now, and so they’re trying to protect you from making the same mistakes. It’s the circle of life, and though they may know that you have to go through your own struggles to become the best version of yourself, it’s part of how Allah has created them, for them to care immensely for you. This isn’t always the case, as some parents just don’t care about their children, so if your parents are pestering you about something, be grateful that they’re there with you, and recognize that their pestering is a reflection of their love. That said, it’s important that we remember the verses of the Quran:

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. – Quran (31:14-15)

Notice how Allah tells us to be kind and obedient towards our parents, but reminds us that our return is to Him? Always be good to and patient with your parents, because the reward for it is limitless in the Hereafter, and because we cannot repay how much our mothers alone went through to give birth to us. A companion came to the Prophet (SAW) once and asked him, “Oh Prophet of Allah, I have just finished performing the pilgrimage while carrying my mother on my shoulders. Have I repaid my debt to her?” The Prophet (SAW) replied, “You have not even repaid her for one labor pain.” Subhanallah!

Try to do the most you can of what you aspire towards, but if your parents ask you not to for the sake of their concern for your safety, or for any other valid reason (as long as they’re not holding you back from fulfilling a command of Allah like praying your salah, wearing hijab, or things like that), listen to them. Allah will reward you for it, insha Allah, and who knows, it may be that Allah is protecting you from something harmful through having them hold you back from doing something. Like it says in the Quran:

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. – Quran (2:216)

Talk to your parents, ask them why they would advise you stay away from what they’re prohibiting, but ask with wisdom. Ask kindly, and explain that you’d like to know so you can understand and grow from the matter. If that doesn’t work out well, then say Alhamdulillah, accept what they’ve asked of you, and go on with your day. Make dua asking Allah for guidance, and talk to Him. He is our greatest counselor, and the greatest weapon of a believer is dua.

I hope this answers your question, insha Allah. If you’d like to discuss this further, or have any more questions, you can email me at mail@nadirkeval.com, and we can set up an appointment to talk, insha Allah. Take care.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do?
Question: I want to make a change and get closer to God, but I’m struggling. What can I do? 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

I was anonymously asked a question by a brave sister on Tumblr about a matter that many in the Muslim community, young and old face. It includes matters that are often considered taboo, and aren’t addressed for that same reason, or because people are too shy to approach Muslim scholars and counselors about the matter. So, I felt it would be wise to share my response to the sister with all of you. Be sure to share this article with your friends and family, as it is something many may not admit to struggle with, but would eagerly read in hopes of finding at least the first step to overcoming their internal struggle.

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Wa alaikum assalaam sister,

The situation you’re in is definitely a difficult one, but it is also very common. I talk to individuals about things like this more often than most would be willing to accept. So, don’t feel like this is an impossible thing to work on. It’s human nature, and will take your dedication and hard work to move forward from it, insha Allah. Trust me, you can get through this and become the person you’re aspiring to be, be-idhnillah.

No matter what the thing we’re struggling with is, the first step is almost always to first work on increasing the faith-related matters in our lives. Here are a few things you can do to get started:

  • Salah: Work on increasing your Salah, praying on time, and focusing while in Salah.
  • Dua: Make more dua, sincere dua. Learn about the etiquette of dua, and focus on composing your dua correctly.
  • Company: Surround yourself with people who inspire you to increase your Imaan. That could include going to sister’s halaqas, spending more time at the masjid, etc. The Prophet (SAW) said that we are a reflection of the company we keep. Remember that when you feel uncomfortable or out of place in the company of people you don’t usually hang around.
  • Quran: Read the Quran more often, 10 verses at a time. Study those 10 verses, memorize them, understand them, apply them to your life, and then move to the next 10 verses.

Take these things on one at a time, and slowly move towards betterment. It’s better to take small steps forward and to keep moving, than to take leaps and bounds only to fall back three times as far as you leapt forward.

I’ll try to address the specific things you mentioned in your message, to the best of my abilities. When approaching

  • Music: This is something I struggled with a lot growing up, so I can understand how difficult it can be. Some believe that it’s not haram, others believe it is. I choose to play it safe, considering this is my Hereafter I’m putting on the line, and just avoid music. That said, it’s a process to overcome. To start, when you want to listen to music, begin with listening to Muslim HipHop and things like that. There are other genres, but yeah. Then, slowly move towards listening to nasheeds with music in the background. Then, slowly to nasheeds without music, and finally, towards listening to Quran and seminars. It will take time, and everyone has their own pace, but you’ll get there, insha Allah.
  • Not covering up: In our Deen, both men and women have been prescribed guidelines as to what is Islamically sound and what isn’t when it comes to the matters of maintaining our modesty and appearance. It’s not my place to speak on hijab, so I won’t. But, I can speak on the benefits that covering up have had on my life. There is something about covering up that results in a greater level of confidence, power, and conviction in all that I do. On top of this, I have this sense of privacy, because of which I find it difficult to feel any sense of comfort if something as small as a bit of my back showing when I go into sujood (prostration) during Salah. That has come through an appreciation and love for humility and modesty. I know those two words (humility and modesty) get thrown around alot, making them lose the weight they carry, but honestly, I believe that what differentiates many of us is how sincere we are in the genuine aspects of human nature that make us different from those who have forgotten those sincere aspects, regardless of who they are or what they stand for. Finally, we strive to live our lives in a way that is an emulation of the Prophet (SAW) and his companions (RA). Ask yourself what they would’ve done, and try to emulate that. Oh, and one more thing that always inspired me to cover up is that Musa (AS) had a physique and overall appearance that was amongst the best, but he would always remain covered out of shyness. A man like him, so strong, wise, and genuine in his leadership qualities, was shy. That shows me that shyness is a good quality to have, and one that I hope to possess myself, insha Allah.
  • Pornography: The world we live in today makes access to pornography as easy as, well, using google. That’s a scary thought, but it’s something that simply needs to be battled within our hearts and souls, through filling our time with other matters that are more beneficial to us. What I have recommended to others in the past (that has worked for them, alhamdulillah), is to avoid using computers for any more reason than is necessary for work or school. Turn your phone or tablets, or any of that stuff off once you come home from school/work. Head to bed early. Wake up early. Take up working out, martial arts classes, a women’s only gym class or sessions, etc. Start going to those halaqas at sister’s groups or at the masjid. Find a new hobby (one that doesn’t involve too much interaction with men). Set goals and work towards them every day, and track your progress. Buy/Make a calendar, and for every day you indulge in pornography or masturbate or anything like that, put a black or red mark on the calendar date you do any of those things on. Don’t put any other labels on it, to maintain your privacy. Just a simple calendar with marks on it. If anyone asks, say that you’re just working on a habit you’re trying to form (which is to live without pornography – but don’t tell them this detail). Try to reduce the markings as much as possible until you’re left with a clean calendar for at least 3 weeks straight (studies have shown that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). Only look at the calendar if you indulge, otherwise, leave it aside in a private place. This builds on “out of sight, out of mind”. Reminding yourself of it often will make it difficult to fully move forward. Take your time with this, don’t give up no matter how difficult it becomes, hold yourself accountable for your actions, but don’t let that depress you. Instead, let it motivate you to fight to remove this addiction from your heart and life.
  • Partying with boys: Alhamdulillah, this is one of those things that’s easier to work on. From my own experiences, I spent most of my life surrounded by women. Most of my relatives are women, and my home includes my dad and I along with my grandmother, mother, and three sisters. So, I found more comfort and belonging amongst women. That meant that growing up, a lot of my friends would be women, I would rarely interact with guys to the extent of having them be my close friends, etc. Then, as I began learning more about Islam, and began applying what I learned to my life, I reduced my interaction with women significantly, striving to maintain it within the bounds of the teachings of Islam, alhamdulillah. The reason I bring up my own story is because the advice I gave you about making the Deen a bigger part of your life through Salah, Dua, reading Quran, and surrounding yourself around fellow sisters that inspire you towards becoming a better Muslim, is a reflection of the same things I did to overcome this matter. It took it’s time, but alhamdulillah, it worked. Fill your time with other things that are beneficial for you in this life and the Next, limit your interaction with guys (that aren’t your mahram) to only what is necessary to conduct business (i.e. school projects, work, etc.), and whenever you’re invited or have the urge to go out and party, pray 2 rakah of voluntary salah, or make dua, and ask yourself, “Is this something Allah would be pleased with? If I die, would I be able to face Allah about this?” If you’re answer is yes, then move forward. If it isn’t, then leave the matter for the sake of Allah, and trust Him to reward you and to replace what you left with something that’s better for you in this life and the Next. We live in a time where peer pressure is immensely strong in matters like these, where people take the matter of interaction with opposite gender too lightly. It’s a matter that should be taken more seriously, and should be recognized as a source of temptation towards other things, like the things you mentioned you struggle with. Run everything you do through the filter of Islam, and if you find that there’s even the slightest doubt of what you’re considering to be something that Allah and His Messenger (SAW) would be pleased with, leave it. It’ll be hard at first, but it will pay off.

Everything I’ve mentioned in response to your question comes with the understanding that you will have to work hard to overcome these struggles, and that the journey will not be easy. But, as they say, “Nothing worth having comes easy,” you know that your reward in this life and the Next will be worth the efforts. I pray that Allah grants you ease and success as you take on this inner battle, and that He rewards you immensely throughout this life and the Hereafter, so that your Imaan and love for Allah will continue to increase exponentially throughout your life, insha Allah. Ameen. If you have any more questions, you’re more than welcome to email me to book an appointment to discuss things further, insha Allah, either over video counseling or chat counseling. My email address is mail@nadirkeval.com. Take care!

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Universal Laws of Seeking Marriage
Universal Laws of Seeking Marriage 2652 1674 Nadir Keval

In my journey towards settling down and finding someone crazy enough to marry me, I’ve learned a lesson or two. I’m not married yet, so Lord knows if they’re all right, but so far, I feel they’re pretty universal.

First, work on getting your relationship with Allah on point first, before you try to establish or strengthen any relationship with a significant other. If you can’t show the Creator loyalty and respect, how can you expect yourself to do so for the creation? Be willing to be honest with yourself and hold yourself responsible for what you need to work on. Then, work on those things.

Second, know who you are and what you believe in, and recognize what is most important to you. Too many people today jump into marriage or the pursuit of marriage for the wrong reasons. Their priorities are physical release, escape from their current condition, or desperation and loneliness. Be patient. Understand yourself, so you can better navigate through life when your identity is questioned…which is something that happens more often than we care to admit.

Third, learn to differentiate between the deal makers/breakers and the things that are merely preferences and not requirements. After knowing yourself, know what is immensely important to you. For example, I strive to live a healthy and active lifestyle, and want to grow in that aspect of my life. Personally, I want to marry someone who has a similar lifestyle. Sounds minor, but laziness is contagious and it’s a deal breaker for me.

Fourth, never settle. That should be enough to make my point, but I’ll put it this way: you are a person of value and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you’ll realize that finding someone that appreciates your value is worth the wait.

Fifth, look for someone better than you in one way or another so you are always aspiring towards betterment. This will keep you humbled and will keep you motivated. Be the best you can be, and you will also inspire your significant other to be their best as well. This will benefit you as individuals and as a couple.

Sixth, don’t judge. Easier said than done, I know, and of course to some degree, you will be judging a person when you consider them for marriage. Still, there is a difference between evaluating a person’s compatibility with your preferences, and holding negative ideas about a person because they may not measure up to your “checklist”. Just as you’ve recognized that you have worth and are valuable in your many unique ways, you’ve probably also seen your flaws. You wouldn’t want someone judging you for your flaws, so be smart, and don’t judge others for theirs.

Seventh, understand that perfection doesn’t exist. Unless you are in fact perfect (and no, you’re not, because if you think you are, you a hold a degree of arrogance, thus making you human and flawed), you would be purely idiotic and ignorant to expect perfection in whomever you meet. Get that fantasy girl/guy out of your head and live in the real world, because that “perfect” person you’re dreaming up is one of the few dreams I will tell you isn’t going to come true. Find perfection in your own imperfections and after that, you will be able to more easily be able to see the beauty in the imperfections of others.

Eighth, do it right by Allah or don’t do it at all. The former fills your life with blessings and the latter, more often than not, leads to a bumpy road and a more solidified uncertainty in your Hereafter. I chose to leave this at the end of the article to remind us that at the end of the day, it’s ALWAYS Allah first. His Approval is our greatest priority, and this is a fact that should never be forgotten, but often is.

I’m not a scholar, sheikh, maulana, imam, or anything like that. There are simply my own personal laws to abide by as I search for a woman to spend the rest of this life and the Hereafter with. Take what I’ve written here with a pound of salt, and then some. I’d love some feedback from fellow single people that are searching for that special someone, or from married couples that could shed some insight based on their own experiences. Leave a comment in the section below to share your thoughts.

Question: What if I’ve already committed adultery? Do I have a chance at making things right?
Question: What if I’ve already committed adultery? Do I have a chance at making things right? 2000 1125 Nadir Keval

My last article, “Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam” got A LOT of readers and feedback, Alhamdulillah. Opened my eyes to how many people really struggle with the issue. One particular question I received stood out to me most, inclining me towards sharing it with all of you.

The Question:

okay, about that marital affair thingy, what if someone has done something that according to your post is wrong and that someone wants to make things right? is there any chance they can do things right? if they are still in that relationship and they regret doing what they did?

The Response:

Assalaamu alaikum,

Often, we find ourselves feeling as though we are unable to turn back, or have no chance at repentance, but the truth of the matter is, repentance is always an option. As Allah says in the Quran:

“And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity (i.e. commit Shirk) or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated – Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” – (25:68-70)

Notice that in this verse alone, you see that Allah promises His Forgiveness and Mercy for those who do three things:

  1. Repent: to repent is to not only seek forgiveness, but to make a sincere effort to not repeat the action that inclined you to repent
  2. Believe: it is one thing to claim that we are strong in faith, and it’s another to apply all that we know and to make it a part of what makes us who we are – ensure that worship and obedience of Allah is the core of your existence, and that every aspect of your life including your career, your relationships (with family, a potential spouse, friends, etc.), your health, etc. are all tailored around your faith.
  3. Do righteous work: taking steps towards making an effort to do righteous work through following the examples and guidelines in the Quran and Sunnah – doing righteous work is a way of showing Allah that you want to get closer to Him, want to increase your good deeds to outweigh sin, and that you want to make a change in your lifestyle

I am not a sheikh or scholar, and this explanation is not one of Tafseer that I have studied. It is rather, my understanding on the topic based on what I have learned of Islam over years of attending Halaqas, discussing the topic with scholars and students of Islam, and counseling.

What I would suggest to you is to do what I mentioned above, based on the verses. If you and the person with whom you committed zina are interested in pursuing marriage, cleanse the situation by keeping your distance from each other, meeting only in the presence of a mahram, and take steps towards marriage in a way that is in accordance to the Quran and Sunnah. If this is something that the other person is not pleased with, remember that there is no value in the obedience of the creation if it leads to the disobedience of the Creator. Also, this will bring clarity to you as to how good this person would be for you in the case of marriage. Remember, marriage in Islam plays many roles, one of which is to be a source of inspiration and support as the couple works towards righteousness and ultimately, a place in Jannah.

I hope this answers your question. If you’d like to follow up, you’re more than welcome to email me at mail@nadirkeval.com and we can set up an appointment to discuss things more. I look forward to hearing from you, insha Allah. Take care of yourself.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam
Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam 1200 567 Nadir Keval

So, earlier today, I answered a question that brought me more concern than I’ve felt in a very long time. A young girl, mid-teens, asked a question about sex. To keep her safe and to respect her, I have chosen to keep her identity anonymous. What makes this scarier for me is that it hits close to home, because one of my sisters is about the same age as her. The question (posted below) is one that is most likely common amongst Muslim youth, especially living in today’s society (at least from what I know of here in North America). I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a worldwide issue. Either way, I thought it would be wise to share my thoughts and understanding of the issue with all of you, as well as to take this as an opportunity for fellow Muslims to kindly and wisely express their thoughts and suggestions to the young sister that is trying to do the right thing in a very emotionally fragile and sensitive issue. You can post your comments in the section below the article. That said, any harsh, insensitive, or negative comments will be deleted immediately.

Pre-Marital Relations, Teens, and Islam (pic)

My Response:

Assalaamu alaikum,

Ramadan Mubarak. Insha Allah, you’re doing well. No need to feel embarrassed. In fact, I’m glad to hear that you’re taking steps to ensure that you’re doing everything correctly, according to Islam.

When it comes to the relationships between men and women, it’s important to understand that the relationship between any two people of the opposite gender is always considered to be unlawful unless the person is their mahram (through being married to the person, or if the person is a person that falls under the descriptions in this Ayah from the Quran: “… and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons…” [al-Noor 24:31]).

About the two of you engaging in anything sexual, it would be haram to do so. Intention is definitely a major factor, but it is not the sole reasoning behind whether something counts as a good or bad deed.

“Allah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina (adultery, fornication), which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.”  – Prophet Muhammad (SAW)

(I had misquoted this Hadith in the actual response, but I have corrected it here. Still, the lesson was the same.)

The Quran also states:

“And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)” – [al-Isra’ 17:32]

These two points show us that Islam not only forbids pre-marital relations between a man and woman, but also explicitly reminds us to avoid even coming near them.

What I would recommend is that you and the brother, if you are both sincerely interested in marriage, to keep your distance from one another as much as possible, and only meet and communicate with the presence of a mahram. If you feel you need to keep in touch, keep it minimal, and avoid things like sensual speech, pet names, and excessive talk.

I know that this is all probably extremely hard to hear, and you may not want to act on it because of that, but as you are sincerely wanting to learn the right approach and want to avoid sin and falling into difficulty in the future, this is something you’ll have to take heed in. I know how hard it can be. I’ve been there before as well, and I assure you, this is what brings to light the true nature and intentions of individuals, and is what makes clear the truth of where one’s heart lies.

Until you are both ready to get married, keep your interaction to a minimum within the bounds of Islam as mentioned above. I pray that the brother supports you in this. If he does not, I ask you from the depths of my heart and as a person who has three younger sisters, please do not act in any way based on your emotions, but rather, put your trust and heart in Allah’s Hands. He will give you what’s best for you. Remember, we want what will benefit us most in this life and the Hereafter, and sometimes, what we want doesn’t coincide with that. Grow closer to Allah, and take steps from there.

If you would like to discuss this further, or have any more questions, you can contact me at mail@nadirkeval.com and we can go from there. I pray that Allah continues to guide you, ease your struggle and journey, and bless you with a husband, be it this man or someone better, who will inspire you towards greatness in every aspect of your life so that you may reach the heights of Jannah. Take care of yourself, and I hope to hear good news from you soon.

Wassalaamu alaikum,

– Nadir Keval (www.nadirkeval.com)

A few more notes:

Parents, take these things seriously!

I wouldn’t be surprised (because I’ve witnessed it time and time again growing up) if the parents don’t even realize how serious the two people are. I’ve seen many parents joke with their kids about someone being like a husband or wife to their child, after the child becomes shy or mentions that they’ve got a crush on someone. It’s innocent until taken seriously. Problem is, a lot of parents today don’t realize what their children go through on a daily basis. Shoot, when I was 15, swearing was considered a horrifically gutsy thing to do. Now, having sex and being intimate with someone is considered not only a norm, but is almost a prerequisite for many cliques at the different schools around the nation.

In addition to this, many parents, especially those from “back home”, don’t take the time out to have the birds and the bees talk with their children, leaving their children with no defense against the temptations and pressures of living in the incredibly active sexual environments of schools today. I know it’s difficult to hear, parents, but pretending like it doesn’t exist won’t prepare your child in facing it when it hits them in the face like the reality it is. Start early, and discuss it with them before they enter the 8th grade. I fear that my generation will have to start speaking to their children about this alongside their basic multiplication timetables. Do this before it’s too late, because once your child is attached, it’ll be incredibly difficult to help them detach. And going to sheikhs and imams when you’re child isn’t listening to you anymore, is out dating, is sexually active, or even gets pregnant or gets someone pregnant, won’t be of any avail, because by then, it’ll be too late for anything other than divine intervention (i.e. if Allah chooses to guide them). At that point, it’ll be on you to remind them, make dua for them, and try your best to help them deal with the consequences of their and your actions. But that’s most likely all you’ll be able to do.

God-Fearing Is A Loosely Used Term

I hear this too often, especially amongst young Muslims that are looking to marry someone they’re “in love” with. I understand where they’re coming from, especially considering I was in their place once, and believed that love was something that could exist before marriage. Truth is, before marriage, it’s all lust. And your relationship with a person of the opposite gender, no matter your intentions, is that of strangers or acquaintances, at least until you get married. There are ways to get to know someone before marriage, but they must be maintained within the bounds of Islam, as mentioned in my response to the question above.

Also, keep in mind, that to be God-fearing means to be one who puts God first. If Allah has commanded that pre-marital relations are forbidden, then a God-fearing person wouldn’t be comfortable with pursuing anything that would incline him or her towards having any sexual or intimate relations before marriage. Now, I’m not claiming that the brother in the question isn’t God-fearing – I can’t open his heart and know his intention, but what I can say for certain is that knowledge is definitely lacking if he believes that intention is all that matters (I’ll talk more about that in a minute). Take the time out for the both of you to grow as individuals in both worldly and religious matters. A man and a woman should be in a position where they should be ready for marriage, but at such a young age, I highly doubt that he has the income to support a wife and home, or that either of you even have the religious or worldly knowledge of how to handle yourselves in your personal growth, let alone a relationship of marriage.

You’ve Heard It Before, But You’re Too Young!

Ask anyone who went through their teens, and they will tell you that there were so many occasions in which they though they had things under control and knew what they wanted out of life. They believed that everything was a now or never type thing, and that if they didn’t act now, they’d be missing out on a huge part of life. Now, ask them if they later realized that they were wrong, and most will tell you they were. Life is a journey. It’s not about getting things done as soon as possible, but it’s about making the most of what you aspire and hope for. So, when you go to school, have goals towards a career that you’ll love, then take your time and work towards it.  When it comes to relationships and marriage, recognize that who you’re meant to be with will be yours when the time is best for you, and instead of rushing through it and feeling like it’s the end of the world if you don’t end up with the person you like right now, take a moment, step away from it, and ask yourself if the person is truly right for you, and if that person will help you take the right steps towards becoming a better person and a better Muslim. If the person fails your tests of sacrificing certain desires (like sex) until after marriage, ask yourself how committed that person really is to you. Most likely, the person is acting on their hormones, and although I’m sure you’ve heard it before, in your teens and sometimes into your twenties, your hormones will be RAGING.

There is far too much to experience and enjoy in life before marriage, and it can be done successfully within the bounds of Islam as well. I’ll give you my own example: I’ve strived towards living my life to the fullest by enjoying every moment, but one of the key things that allows me to do that is accepting life as it comes, not rushing in to things, and working hard to build on myself and my faith. I’m not married yet, but because of this mindset, I’ve been able to accept what comes, and pray and wait patiently until Allah brings the right woman my way. I’ve had multiple moments in my past where I’ve felt that I found the right person, being the hopeless romantic I am, and was hurt and disappointed when things didn’t work out. But, I look back at those women or those circumstances and thank Allah because I now recognize how Allah saved me from what wouldn’t have been good for me.

“As long as your intention is pure…”

I was a teenager not too long ago, and I can tell you right now, especially as a guy, there’s one thing he’s looking for. Alhamdulillah, I grew up with Islam being the forefront of my life, and I know others who did the same, but when we were in our teens, there was always one main thing on our minds when it came to the opposite gender. Some may think it sounds gross, but it’s the truth. You wouldn’t believe how many people I know that fell for that line in their teens and ended up either pregnant or depressed when after fulfilling his desires, the guy left, got bored, or went on to live out his life in an attempt to avoid his responsibilities.

Intention is the first step, and action is the second. Purity of intention is based on its relation to what Allah has permitted and what He has prohibited. Regardless of how “pure” your intention is, if what you intend to do is haram, it’s haram. Simple as that.

Final Thoughts

This is something that is close to my heart, and makes me feel a great amount of worry and concern for future generations. As a man who has grown up with three younger sisters, and has experienced a great deal in the short life I’ve been blessed to live so far, I’ve faced a lot of ups and downs. One thing that I have learned is that the only solution and key to happiness is living out in a way that is most pleasing to Allah through the complete submission to Allah and practice of the Quran and Sunnah. I’ve felt the physical effects of not living that way, and I assure you, it’s not worth the fulfillment of any desire. And unfortunately, desires are a thing that once fulfilled will resurface quickly and with a greater pull. I pray that we, and the generations to come, can all live our lives in a way wherein we are happy and pleased through pleasing Allah. Ameen.

10 Tips For A Better Ramadan
10 Tips For A Better Ramadan 1920 1200 Nadir Keval

Every Ramadan, we set goals and resolutions, and just like New Year resolutions, these are quickly forgotten. The first week of Ramadan has now passed and this is the perfect opportunity to reevaluate and determine where we are and where we can go with our faith, character, and lifestyle. This Ramadan, use these tips (in no particular order) to get yourself back in check. Work hard at making these a reality, and insha Allah, you’ll see positive differences and changes in your relationship with yourself and with Allah. May Allah make these steps beneficial for all of us, and guide us towards that which is best for us to continue with throughout our lives here and in the Hereafter. Ameen.

1. Get out of bed and your bedroom as quickly as possible

Every morning, at least for me, it’s a challenge to get myself out of bed and get to work. I love what I do in my life, and aspire to do so much more every day, but the truth is, sleep is a luxury I would love to indulge in more. Still, with the bed and bedroom come temptations that just aren’t beneficial. For example, laziness becomes something that is so easily attainable, especially if you’re someone who doesn’t work a 9-5, like me, or if you’re a student with classes later in the day. At the time of the Prophet (SAW), they spent so much of their time during Ramadan in worship, hard work towards feeding their families, and more, to the point that many went days, weeks, or sometimes even the entire month with only a few hours of sleep per night. They are examples for us, to show us that they too were human and capable of keeping up. So, get out of bed, get dressed, and get started with your day. It’ll keep you disciplined, on point and focused, and will give you a better night’s sleep when you head to bed every night. For one month, make sacrifices and put your faith before your sleep. You’ve done it for your job, to study for exams, to take care of your kids, and sometimes even to hang out with your friends. Reducing your sleep hours during this one month won’t hurt, especially if you’re using it towards worship. (Remember, I’m not a doctor though, so this may not work for everyone. But, before you write this step off, ask yourself what your intention and reason is behind cutting down sleep.)

2. Eat clean and smart

Oh, the horrifying things Muslims do to themselves when Iftar and Suhoor come around. May Allah guide and forgive us. When you’re eating, it should be for the sake of nourishment and not gluttony. Eat to live. Don’t live to eat. This Ramadan, stick to the natural basics, and avoid anything from a wrapper. Also, avoid sugars and caffeine. Sugar because it won’t keep you nourished for the day, and caffeine because studies have shown that it leads to dehydration. Stick to proteins, fiber-rich foods, fruit, vegetables, nuts, water, and milk. And finally, remember to eat in moderation. The food isn’t going anywhere. Eat small portions, eat clean and nutritious, and eat only at Iftar and Suhoor times. Avoid eating full meals between the two times. If you feel very hungry, drink lots of water and munch on things like fruits, veggies, and nuts.

3. Stay active, but listen to your body

One of the most common things I hear before Ramadan, from others and myself is, “I’m going to work out a lot this Ramadan and just shred the fat away.” I’m going to be straight with you here: no, you’re not. It’s definitely possible for you to shred fat during Ramadan, but that won’t come through aggressive and excessive workouts. It will come through nutrition and workout consistency. Before you start doing your three 2-hour workouts every day (which can be harmful and counter-productive unless planned out with proper knowledge and application of the human body, its needs, and your own unique body’s chemistry), take it one step at a time, and pace yourself. As you get comfortable with one thing, add the next. Most importantly though, listen to your body. Don’t over exert yourself. If you need to rest, rest.

Remember, Ramadan is a time to train your body, mind, and spirit for the year to come, so don’t jump in completely without preparation and by taking on everything at once. Be patient and wise, and take small steps towards your goals.

4. Put your faith first

When you start your day, start it with faith. Work towards getting the faith-related things you had planned for the day done first, so as to avoid procrastination. It’s far too easy to get caught up in your daily activities and to forget the things you had set out to do differently this Ramadan. So, if you are hoping to finish reading the Quran during this month, make some time in the morning before work, school, or anything else, and read a few pages or even a chapter or two. Make it a point to pray as soon as the time for each Salah comes in, and take out some time out of your day to listen or watch a lecture online or at your local Masjid.  The point is, indulge in your faith and make it the root of your life, and you will find yourself cleansed of stress, strife, and mental clutter. (I actually just wrote an article about this: The Seed Of All Success)

5. Make a goal list

It’s really easy to fall of course when we make a mental list of our tasks and don’t write things down. It may seem possible at first, but eventually, things pile up and you forget one or two things here or there, and the next thing you know, you’ve missed something major and fallen off track. Write down your goals for the month. If you already had done so before Ramadan began, take this as an opportunity to revise and renew those goals. This first week was the trial run – your beta phase. Reflect on the last week, think about what you’ve done, what you can do to become better, write down tasks to make it more clear, and then take action and make your goals a reality.

6. Keep a journal

This can do wonders for you when you’re working towards growth in any aspect of life. Keep a journal for each separate goal – one for working out, your career, your Deen, etc. This is a great approach to keeping yourself on track and building motivation to maintaining your goals and aspirations.

7. Give back

One of the best ways to cleanse your mind and soul, and to feel good about yourself is to help others and give back to the community. This is a great way to bring to light one of the main reasons behind why we fast: to understand and recognize that we have so much to be grateful for in our lives. When you are more aware of how privileged we are with all of the things Allah has blessed us with, we are less greedy, more calm and collected, and more patient in dealing with the struggles of life, along with the many other benefits of helping others. And personally, I also believe that giving back is one of the best ways to increase your success and gain more out of what you aspire towards.

8. Learn something new daily

Seeking knowledge is an integral part of Islamic teachings, and it would be unwise to not take advantage of this month as a time to secure a routine or habit of making an effort to learn more on a daily basis. Take out some time every day to watch or listen to a new lecture on Islam or any other beneficial topic, go to your local Masjid, have discussions with your fellow Muslim friends about different topics in Islam, read the Tafseer of the Quran, study Islamic history books, etc. Just do something to learn about your Deen and about other things that will benefit you in this life and in the Next.

9. Take time to meditate

It actually bothers me when people say that Salah is enough meditation for Muslims. It’s one of many ways we can meditate and find a center point. Take up yoga, go for a walk, go fishing, do something that is calming and takes you away from the stresses of every day life. Your faith is one thing, and taking care of your mental clarity and calm is another. They may overlap, but they are two very different things.

10. Stay close to positive friends

“You are the company you keep.” This is amongst the few phrases that holds true in every circumstance. Who and what you keep company with influences and impacts your own character, habits, and interests. Keeping yourself surrounded by those who are beneficial towards your growth as a person and as a Muslim is key to finding success in this life and the Next. It gives us the support, base of knowledge and structure, and all else we could gain from being around positive influences. Alhamdulillah, my best friend has always been by my side and it has helped immensely in shaping my character and faith.

11. BONUS: Look sharp

This is one of those things where my opinion takes lead and forces itself on to my tasks, making me go against the rules and add another tip to this list. Keep a strong image through your character, looking good while maintaining the halal and Sunnah, and staying clean and fresh are key components of what makes Islam and Muslims so amazing. Here’s the truth: because Islam is a way of life, Muslims represent it at every turn. While we are open to flaws and mistakes due to us being human, we are still capable of doing our best to look our best, holding character in our personalities and sense of style. So, take a second, read up on style, check out fashion houses and their artistic appeal, and create your own personal style (while sticking to the Sunnah as much as possible – constantly trying to grow in faith).

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